Almost a year!

Its been almost a year since the girl's birth. Holy cow! Where did time go? They are so damn adorable its unbearable!  And they look so happy in the pictures. I can't wait to see them on their birthday!

After their birthday Miss Sophie will be born and maybe I will feel normal again! How do some women have 12 kids?! I couldn't bear to be pregnant that many times! Pregnancy is a lot of work and a lot of hormones I don't know if I am crazy half the time or just pregnant?

I am still working on getting my life put together and somedays it doesn't feel like its getting anywhere.  I was looking at some pictures of the girls when they were new and just a couple months old and I couldn't help but remember what it felt like to let them go. It brings tears to my eyes everytime. A part of me will always be sad but overall I know what I did was right at the time and still is right now.

I hope they are getting everything they need and more! Which I am sure they are!  They deserve every bit of it.

So does Mason and Sophie and I am trying super hard to make a life where the three of us will feel loved, protected, and at home.

I feel like I am not doing a good enough job a lot of the times when I feel like I am trying my best. I have a lot of regrets and sorrow I carry on my shoulders and I feel it truly holds me back.  I am trying so hard to get my life figured out, settled and secured but nothing feels right anymore. I try one thing and then the next and I just can't seem to get a handle on things because if it doesn't feel right I have a hard time coping with it and a hard time trying to make it feel okay when I know its not going to work out in the end.

I try to be a good mother to Mason but a lot of the time I feel like I am not giving him what he deserves. Now I have a little girl on the way and I am only praying and hoping everything will be fine after she is born. I am praying for peace. I am praying for love. I am praying for wholeness again.

Somedays, I get super depressed and wonder... "will I ever be truly happy?" I feel like I don't even know my own life but most importantly I feel I don't even know myself anymore.

"Where did you go Nikki?" Oh ya I know where she went. She is hiding in a shell trying to mend her broken heart. A lot of things have changed me and shook me up in the last two years and the only person to blame is myself.

No one really knows how bad I am bleeding. Some days are more than others but I really feel like I have lost it all. A part of me wants to get saved by some miracle and be taken to a new place, with new faces, better opportunities, a place where I can feel at peace, a place where i can feel at home.

I guess everyone is fighting their own battle and my battle is not more important than anyone else's.  Its just been hard going through my hardships alone. Well not completely alone Mason has always been here by my side but he has no other option. I hate that I am a wreck most of the time and I feel he senses it.

It would be nice to have a extremely legit friend who I can confide in without being judged and who I felt really cared. I haven't felt like really anyone has cared. I see all these people have friends and family who love and support them and I have me who supports me and tries to love myself as best as I can but I think I have fallen out of love with who I really am. Call it deprivation of love from everyone who says they care but have no way of showing it. Its being let down time and time again and having to pick myself up, wipe my tears away, and staying strong for Mason. If he wasn't born I probably would be in the darkest shadows of depression and silence that makes your head spin.

Sometimes I wonder when my time will be up and who will be at my funeral.  I often think that hardly anyone will be there.. I guess none of it matters.

I stay strong because that's the only option I give myself. I have to. I have children to rasie and guide in this world. It may be chaotic at times and I may break down, feel alone, and feel unloved but I got to make sure my children never feel that way. Easier said than done but I am going to try. If all else fails at least I know that I tried.

Almost 9 months

Its crazy how my life has turned out since I had the girls. It seems like a part of me died when I had to leave them. The only emotion I ever feel is when I think about the adoption its really the only thing that can make me cry. I feel like a part of me died because how painful it was and how painful it still is sometimes and how it affects my daily life. I don't laugh like I use to.. I don't smile as I use to.. I don't feel anything.. its like I shut myself off and shut everyone out. I know its something I will have to fix but I don't know where to start to fix it.

All I know is how I feel isn't right and hasn't been for a very long time. I wish I knew how to be happy again. I wish I knew how to let go and live my life.. but I don't.

What's wrong with me?

Growing up

It is so amazing to see the girls grow and learn. Pace and Nichole seem to be having a blast :) and I feel so good about what I did.

When I seen them a couple weeks ago I felt so good just seeing them be a family and how happy the girls are. I am glad i did what I did.

The adoption still stings my heart sometimes I have to be honest.. and sometimes I wonder where I would be if I kept them but how it all played out seemed to be the very best outcome.

I just hope one day I will get to bond with my girls at least before I die.

People have no idea

I am so tired of people who don't like me throwing the adoption in my face. No one knows the pain I had to go through and still have to go through because of it. I did what I had to do.  So who are they to judge me?

Trust me if I could have kept my girls I WOULD HAVE. There was no way I could keep them unless I wanted them to have a less of a life because I couldnt provide for them. And those girls deserve the best. So that's what I gave them.  I gave them the best life that they will have.

And believe me there are days I wish I just would have gone through the struggle because of the emptiness I feel. It sucks not being able to see them when I want and it sucks to miss out on all the little moments. Dont think that my pain is gone when I placed them with their family.

People who want to use this pain of mine against me... you have NO FUCKING CLUE what it takes to be this strong. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA how painful it is!

So before you throw it in my face and judge me look in a goddamn mirror your not perfect either!  And for you to use other peoples pain on them shows what kind of low self esteem you have of yourself that you have to kick other people to feel good about yourself..

Karma is a bitch and remember next time your down or you do something that will change your life... there will be someone pointing a finger at you laughing.

Feeling a little empty

Today I haven't been the greatest mood. I woke up feeling weird and I have been trying to make sense of why I am feeling the way I am. I have been trying to get through today and be happy because my life has been going ok but something is just pulling me the other direction.. I miss my baby girls.

I haven't had a breakdown for awhile so I am trying like hell not to let it happen but I think by the end of today it will. When I don't really hear from the adoptive mom that much and I don't ever hear from the adoptive dad it makes me sad.. When I was pregnant I thought our relationship would continue after the girls arrived but it has really not been the same.

I understand how busy they can be but a phone call, a text, or an email once in awhile to let me know how they are all doing would make me feel a lot better.. I did speak with the mom the other day but our convo was short but it is what it is.

Sometimes I just want to disappear from everyone and just go in the middle of no where and scream as loud as I can until I no longer scream and cry until I can't cry anymore. Days like today just drag and its like I am in a fog and I am just waiting for the air to clear..

I guess for now I will just distance myself more..

idk.. *sigh* the things that were once full just seem empty now.

Few and far in between

I visited the girls on Christmas and left with a peace of mind and a feeling of peace in my heart. That was the first time I seen them at home and so I think it made me feel a whole lot better knowing that they are home now and very well taken care of. Pace and Nichole looked very tired lol and I can only remember those days. I remember what it was like doing that with my son.

They look like parents now! Its great and their house feels wonderful and complete now. Nichole and Pace are very good with the girls. I knew they would be.

My relationship is still good with them. We don't talk as much but that's to be expected when they have such a busy life right now. Taking care of the girls and having a bunch of friends and family visiting those sweet little girls. It makes me sad in a way because I really miss talking to Nichole everyday. She is an amazing woman. She has helped me in so many ways with a lot of things.. She really did become my best friend during my pregnancy.

Pace is a good person as well.. He always gives the most constructive advice about things and makes me look at situations from different angles. They both have touched my heart in a way.

My breakdowns are few and far in between but when I do have them I just want to lay over and die.. I know that sounds a little harsh but its a heart wrenching feeling but as always I recover and get back to normal. I miss those little girls sometimes.. I wish we lived closer so that way I could just go see them and give them loves!

They really aren't going to know who I am.. I don't see them as much as I would like to but that's the way it has to be right now. I just hope one day they will come around and know that I love them so much.

For now I am trying to focus on where I want my life to go and raising my son. I am just trying to be happy. Even though everything is few and far in between right now.. it will all come together one day.. and I believe in that.

How to fill the holes in my heart...

My breakdowns have been coming less now but it doesn't stop my mind from wandering.. Especially when I see pictures of the girls.. They look so much like me/my son/the birth father.. and so  many things just run through my head.. It still pains my heart seeing the girls and knowing that I cant be there with them..

I sit here and wonder.. maybe I could have found a way to take care of them.. maybe I could have gone through the struggles and made my family strong.. Maybe I could have been in their lives and been the mother I wanted to be. They say if there is a will there is a way.. and I just wish I would have done it differently. I want to be their Mom I really do.. maybe it would have made me a stronger mother to keep all my children..

I chose adoption because I was alone and doing everything on my own.. and I had no help from the father.. and I could bless a family who couldn't have children. So I was left with "how am I going to make a good life for not only the girls but for my son as well" I am only 20 years old and have a whole life to live some days I wish I didn't have a whole life to live... but now I am left with.. What am I going to do the rest of my life? Who will I become? What will I do? Will I just stay the same and not go anywhere? Because if that is the case I could have kept my girls...

I am still struggling to let go of the birth father.. He keeps coming into my mind and I just wonder how he could have been so cold? I know we both made a mistake.. and ugh I just wish I could forget about him.. but I can't and I don't think I ever will.. Yes time will make it easier to forget and I can only count on that.

I feel like I am missing pieces of myself and I don't know what to do to try and fill the holes.. I can drink my sorrow away for one night and then be left in the same spot I was in the morning.. Nothing helps right now... I often look up in the sky and wonder.. where will I be 5 years from now? What am I suppose to do now? Live life like everyone else? Or go out there and make something of myself... I don't even know who I want to be.. I feel lost and I just feel like I am going with the flow of everything but it doesn't feel right to me... nothing really does anymore.

My sons Dad and I have been putting our family back together and that does help me a little bit. It has been nice to have him there with me.. when I am upset he is there to hug me and tell me everything is ok. I don't know how I am going to live my life without my girls..I just cant seem to wake up from this dream... I wish I could go back in time and restart my whole life..

I am glad I brought happiness to Pace and Nichole.. I don't regret that.. but I didn't know how bad it would hurt me to not be in the girl's lives as much as I would like to be.. I am just waiting for time to heal me.. but who knows if it ever will...

Everyone says how brave and nobel I am for choosing what I chose.. but honestly I feel like a coward for not  taking the risk to raise my own children..