Its been almost a year since the girl's birth. Holy cow! Where did time go? They are so damn adorable its unbearable! And they look so happy in the pictures. I can't wait to see them on their birthday!
After their birthday Miss Sophie will be born and maybe I will feel normal again! How do some women have 12 kids?! I couldn't bear to be pregnant that many times! Pregnancy is a lot of work and a lot of hormones I don't know if I am crazy half the time or just pregnant?
I am still working on getting my life put together and somedays it doesn't feel like its getting anywhere. I was looking at some pictures of the girls when they were new and just a couple months old and I couldn't help but remember what it felt like to let them go. It brings tears to my eyes everytime. A part of me will always be sad but overall I know what I did was right at the time and still is right now.
I hope they are getting everything they need and more! Which I am sure they are! They deserve every bit of it.
So does Mason and Sophie and I am trying super hard to make a life where the three of us will feel loved, protected, and at home.
I feel like I am not doing a good enough job a lot of the times when I feel like I am trying my best. I have a lot of regrets and sorrow I carry on my shoulders and I feel it truly holds me back. I am trying so hard to get my life figured out, settled and secured but nothing feels right anymore. I try one thing and then the next and I just can't seem to get a handle on things because if it doesn't feel right I have a hard time coping with it and a hard time trying to make it feel okay when I know its not going to work out in the end.
I try to be a good mother to Mason but a lot of the time I feel like I am not giving him what he deserves. Now I have a little girl on the way and I am only praying and hoping everything will be fine after she is born. I am praying for peace. I am praying for love. I am praying for wholeness again.
Somedays, I get super depressed and wonder... "will I ever be truly happy?" I feel like I don't even know my own life but most importantly I feel I don't even know myself anymore.
"Where did you go Nikki?" Oh ya I know where she went. She is hiding in a shell trying to mend her broken heart. A lot of things have changed me and shook me up in the last two years and the only person to blame is myself.
No one really knows how bad I am bleeding. Some days are more than others but I really feel like I have lost it all. A part of me wants to get saved by some miracle and be taken to a new place, with new faces, better opportunities, a place where I can feel at peace, a place where i can feel at home.
I guess everyone is fighting their own battle and my battle is not more important than anyone else's. Its just been hard going through my hardships alone. Well not completely alone Mason has always been here by my side but he has no other option. I hate that I am a wreck most of the time and I feel he senses it.
It would be nice to have a extremely legit friend who I can confide in without being judged and who I felt really cared. I haven't felt like really anyone has cared. I see all these people have friends and family who love and support them and I have me who supports me and tries to love myself as best as I can but I think I have fallen out of love with who I really am. Call it deprivation of love from everyone who says they care but have no way of showing it. Its being let down time and time again and having to pick myself up, wipe my tears away, and staying strong for Mason. If he wasn't born I probably would be in the darkest shadows of depression and silence that makes your head spin.
Sometimes I wonder when my time will be up and who will be at my funeral. I often think that hardly anyone will be there.. I guess none of it matters.
I stay strong because that's the only option I give myself. I have to. I have children to rasie and guide in this world. It may be chaotic at times and I may break down, feel alone, and feel unloved but I got to make sure my children never feel that way. Easier said than done but I am going to try. If all else fails at least I know that I tried.
