How to fill the holes in my heart...

My breakdowns have been coming less now but it doesn't stop my mind from wandering.. Especially when I see pictures of the girls.. They look so much like me/my son/the birth father.. and so  many things just run through my head.. It still pains my heart seeing the girls and knowing that I cant be there with them..

I sit here and wonder.. maybe I could have found a way to take care of them.. maybe I could have gone through the struggles and made my family strong.. Maybe I could have been in their lives and been the mother I wanted to be. They say if there is a will there is a way.. and I just wish I would have done it differently. I want to be their Mom I really do.. maybe it would have made me a stronger mother to keep all my children..

I chose adoption because I was alone and doing everything on my own.. and I had no help from the father.. and I could bless a family who couldn't have children. So I was left with "how am I going to make a good life for not only the girls but for my son as well" I am only 20 years old and have a whole life to live some days I wish I didn't have a whole life to live... but now I am left with.. What am I going to do the rest of my life? Who will I become? What will I do? Will I just stay the same and not go anywhere? Because if that is the case I could have kept my girls...

I am still struggling to let go of the birth father.. He keeps coming into my mind and I just wonder how he could have been so cold? I know we both made a mistake.. and ugh I just wish I could forget about him.. but I can't and I don't think I ever will.. Yes time will make it easier to forget and I can only count on that.

I feel like I am missing pieces of myself and I don't know what to do to try and fill the holes.. I can drink my sorrow away for one night and then be left in the same spot I was in the morning.. Nothing helps right now... I often look up in the sky and wonder.. where will I be 5 years from now? What am I suppose to do now? Live life like everyone else? Or go out there and make something of myself... I don't even know who I want to be.. I feel lost and I just feel like I am going with the flow of everything but it doesn't feel right to me... nothing really does anymore.

My sons Dad and I have been putting our family back together and that does help me a little bit. It has been nice to have him there with me.. when I am upset he is there to hug me and tell me everything is ok. I don't know how I am going to live my life without my girls..I just cant seem to wake up from this dream... I wish I could go back in time and restart my whole life..

I am glad I brought happiness to Pace and Nichole.. I don't regret that.. but I didn't know how bad it would hurt me to not be in the girl's lives as much as I would like to be.. I am just waiting for time to heal me.. but who knows if it ever will...

Everyone says how brave and nobel I am for choosing what I chose.. but honestly I feel like a coward for not  taking the risk to raise my own children..

The deed is done.

Papers to sign my consent were signed yesterday. I finally feel closure to the birth father and I can move on. I feel a sense of peace in my heart in mind now. I know how great of a life the girls will live and how great of a family they will have and it really keeps me at peace. I had a rough time a couple weeks after birth and didn't think I could do this but I did. Everyday is a chance for me to make something of myself.

I feel like great things are coming my way and I feel like I have a brand new life and a second chance. It feels great.

I love Pace and Nichole very much and I am glad the hard part is over. Now we all can move forward together with open arms and open hearts. This year I thought was the worst year of my life but I turned it into something completely amazing. I have a new family, new hopes, new dreams and a life I will be proud of someday :)

Aahhh... The moment I have been waiting for all year...

Peace in my heart and mind alas!

<333

Ready or not

Well we found out the results of the father and it was what I thought and what I knew during my pregnancy. When Nichole told me the results I just lost it for a second my stomach dropped and my head started to spin. I wish it could have been a little different so that way I could completely forget about the birth father.. But his memory will live on in my mind and heart. He is the father of our two beautiful twin girls how could I ever forget him now? He has been ready since the day I found out I was pregnant to "get rid of" the problem.. Which I am glad I never went down that path. He is ready to sign his rights which will be this weekend.. This really hurts my heart to know that he doesn't even want to see what they look like or want to go and actually hold them but I knew that was never an option for him. That's something I have accepted but it still stings.

I am suppose to sign over my rights as well this weekend and I just want to say my heart will never be ready to do that.. but I have to do what I need to do so everyone can move on and live their lives. I will always feel this pain in my heart not raising my two beautiful daughters. I think about how much I am going to miss out on.. and it really just makes me want to cry every time I think about it. I love them so much and I haven't really even had time to hold them or bond with them before I sign over my rights. Some people say it would be harder to do that if you spend more time with them.. But for me if I can't see them or hold them its going to be way harder signing over cause I am left with "wonder".

I am taking a leap of faith in Nichole and Pace to see how everything plays out and to see if we really are going to be one big happy family like we all have spoke of this year. I have to trust them with what they have told me they will do. I love Nichole and Pace and I am happy they finally get to be parents. I have eased their pain and now I will feel pain probably for the rest of my life, which that is a choice I made and have to live with. I know the girls will be absolutely loved and taken care of. They will have FAMILY there for them and I think that's super important.

Today I have an apt with an Attorney to find out basically what all the paperwork means.. So after today I have to prepare for what's to come. I hope that god know what he is doing there must be a bigger plan for me then I realize right now. I just hope I find out soon what this all means and where this is all leading me to.

As for the birth father I will be bonded to him through the girls for the rest of my life.  I hope he finds it in his heart sometime in his life to make contact with our girls and to see how beautiful they are. I know the girls will want to know who he is one day and I hope he is around so they can know him.  My heart is spread in many places right now so I guess I need to find the pieces and put it back together.

Whats best put before my heart

So its been three weeks since I had the girls and it has been a tough. I will just start crying and feeling sorry for myself and how everything played out. A part of me wishes I had made a plan to keep the girls and I wish that I had the help that I needed. I know with all the doctors appointments and all the time I had to leave work to look for a place and get settled didn't help me out. No mother wants to part from her children.. and sometimes I feel like a bad mom for making the decision that I did.

I am glad that I gave Pace and Nichole the opportunity to finally be parents I really am. I am just a little bittersweet about it. But I know if I kept them not only would it be a struggle for me to keep supporting my children with my only income.. it would be a struggle for them and they would not have the opportunity for many things in life that Pace and Nichole can fulfill for them.

I just get scared cause I wont have any rights over Chloe and Araya and it just scares me that Pace and Nichole might change how they act when everything is said and done. I don't think they would do that but its still a fear I have. They really have been good hearted and loving towards me I just hope everything will still be the same if not better.

The girls will have a blessed life with their Mommy and Daddy and that's all I want for them. I also want them to know who I am and I hope they don't hate me as they grow older cause that will only kill me. I hope one day they will totally understand and feel peace in their hearts knowing why I had to do what I did.

After seeing them and holding them I fell in love instantly just like I did with my son. I will forever love them and be in their lives as much as I can be and as much as the girls would like me to be. This has been a hard week being away from them. I get to see them on Thanksgiving I am super excited. It will make my heart feel a little better being able to be with them.

I hope this gets easier in time.. I am ready to feel peace in my heart.. but it seems like its going to be awhile before that happens.

Nov 11, 2013. Happy birthday baby girls.

The day has come the baby girls are here. I came into thr hospital the night before. I was having contractions. So when i got to the hospital they did and ultrasound and baby b (araya) had not even 1cm of fluid around her. So they continued to monitor me throughtout the night and did another ultrasound in the morning and we still got the same results. So the doctor said that i needed to be delivered. It had to be c section because they didnt want to put any of the babies under stress and didnt want to deliver me both ways just in case one came out fine and the other one doesnt. I would almost rather a c section over a vaginal birth because it seems like less pain when I stand up and I can pee and poo better than the last time i gave birth to my little man.

So by 2 o clock i was in the OR room ready to be cut into. I was scared but i got through it. One of the nurses was great help he calmed my nerves. So baby A Chloe Elizabeth born at 2:08 pm weighing 3lbs 5oz and baby B Araya Mae born at 2:09 pm weighing 2lbs 8oz. Nichole and I automatically started crying once we seen our baby girls!

Once I got sew up I couldn't see the girls for a couple hours because I was in the recovery room being watched to make sure everything was fine. I was so anxious to get up there and see our beautiful daughters. While I was at the hospital I got to hold them one time and that was so special for me to bond with them even though it was for such a short time. Its gonna be hard to leave them. I already thought it was hard to leave them there at the hospital when I got discharged. I just want to love on them and hold them before I go back home.. they are such blessings.

Nichole and Pace are happy they are here but it still hasn't set in yet that they are parents. Not until the girls get home I think it won't set in. The girls are doing great they both have a little bit of support for breathing and have tubes going down their throats into their bellys to feed them but they haven't been feeding them yet. I think once they start the feeding the girls will start improving a lot faster and be home in no time.

I love them so much and I am glad they made it here and are doing well. A part of me is always going to feel missing while i am away from them but I know how amazing Nichole and Pace are going to take care of them. I love Nichole and Pace so much for being on this journey with me and I thank god for placing everything in its place to get to where we are today.

I now have a big loving family and its all because Araya and Chloe being here on this earth. Baby girls your so amazing and I love you both so very much.

So little time left

So I got flown to the valley because I was in preterm labor at 31 weeks. I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days and it wasn't easy staying there with the horrible food and the nurses bugging me every time the babies went of the monitor and constantly laying on my back. They also had magnesium running into my veins and that crap is NO FUN! I had to do an amniotic reduction where they stick a needle in your belly to reduce the fluid in the babys sac. I was terrified of a big needle going into my belly and scared that it might hurt the girls or might not even work.. But I have a great doctor and he did a good job and the procedure wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be. Whew.. I was glad when it was over.. I had to get that procedure done because the twins have twin to twin transfusion.. It basically means that they aren't sharing the way they should be. Baby b was giving baby a all her nutrients and fluid and I think maybe thats because baby b knows baby a has a heart problem. Well after they reduced the fluid I was no longer contracting and i closed up my cervix a little bit. So i finally got released Saturday. THANK GOD!

The doctor still doesn't want me to return home so I have been staying in the valley at Pace and Nichole's house.. and I don't mind being here and getting to know them and spending more time with them but i haven't seen my son in a week now and i feel so stressed and I don't feel complete. I miss my lil guy so much and have been having to stress about his father taking care of him and taking care of my apartment. I can't go back to work and thats very stressful thing to think about because I am the only income. Thank goodness I have Pace and Nichole they understand my situation and are willing to help me out when I get back to get back on track.. They have been completely supportive of me and have been making my life a lot easier to deal with.

So my doctor suggested that we deliver these girls in two weeks.. I will be 34 weeks. Man I can't tell you how scared I am getting and a little concerned with how hard its going to be leaving and going home without them… I haven't really wanted to think about it and I just hope i am not a complete wreck when the time comes.. I hope Nichole doesn't get annoyed with how much I will be asking about them or wanting TONS of pictures. Cause I am gonna need them to soothe my heart and to know they are okay. Which I know they will be but man i just don't know how everything will be.. I am gonna need a bottle of booze after this one to calm my nerves and my thoughts.

I know these girls are gonna have such great parents that will give them the best life they can give them. I am excited for Nichole and Pace to finally have their dream come true. Knowing how I am affecting their lives by making this decision makes it easier for me to do this. Nichole has become like my big sister that i never had and I am so excited for her to become a mommy and know the love for a child(s). She is gonna be great at it and I wouldn't want anyone else to parent these babies but them. Pace is going to become all soft being in a house full of girls! Feel sorry for that guy when menstral cycles come around lol. I am sure he doesn't mind those girls will be the apple of his eye and that warms my heart because I never had a father growing up watching over me or never had the opportunity to be a "Daddys girl" and it makes me so happy knowing that they will have a stable father who will always be there for them.

I have to think of what I want the girls to call me.. Nichole suggested "Mama Nikki" i think thats a good one.. I was more thinking of "BABY MAMA" (lmao inside joke) maybe to make it even cuter "Mama kiki" :)

Bottom line is these girls will have so many people there for them. They are going to be well taken care of and there will be no question about it. Yes I know its probably going to really hard for me to leave without all my babies and its going to get me somedays but at the end of the day I know that i made the right decision and I know Nichole and Pace are going to do a great job with them. I am honored to bestow two beautiful little blessings upon them.

Breaking Free

FINALLY!! The moment I have been waiting for!! I got a house for my son and I. Its a small 2 bed 1 bath but it will do the job. We finally have a home and I am so excited to move in and decorate for the holidays!!

I had a such a good week spending time with Nichole it was a nice break from the town I live in and from work. She had such a good turn out for her baby shower and got so many cute things for the girls. There was lots of tears, love, and happiness it was a real good time. I left the shower feeling full of life and love. I feel like I have broken free from my unhappiness and sorrow. I have moved on from my old life and I am on new journey with amazing people! My heart is filled with so much love and gratitude for every moment leading up to here. Ahh. I can breathe.. I can feel... I can be me once again and not have to worry about having another person to satisfy other than my son.

Nichole and Pace have truly helped me heal through this tough time in my life and they have given me support, love and guidance. I am so happy for them to have these little girls the baby shower was so emotional I think I seen Pace tear up a little bit. I am glad they liked my gift. It was vinyl décor that you can put on your walls and I made "Chloe" and "Araya" and I wrote a saying that said "From God's Arms, Nurtured within me, and Placed in your hearts forever" It made the whole room cry..I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction from everyone but I am glad that everyone felt the love I put into those words. What a wonderful day it was.

Nichole tried so hard not to cry but she couldn't hold back. She has such a tender loving heart she is amazing. My son and I were sad to leave. I miss them already. I really do feel like they have made me part of the family..and when the girls get here it will only be that much more like family. I hope I see them soon they have to come check out my new place.

What a great week. I hope from now on it just gets better from here :D

In time

Today was a sort of emotions for me. When i first woke up i got some not so good news about my sons dad. I only keep getting proved right that nothing will ever change he doesnt want to keep our family together because of his addictions and he told me he no longer loved me anymore. I knew this day would come and i have finally reached the end of our journey together. It saddens me because from previous conversations i thought he was really going to change. Just a couple days before today he was telling me how bad he wanted us and our family back.. I guess that was just talk. So now i need a clean break from him so i can let myself heal.. I am going to do my best to stay strong and keep thoughts of our memories out of my head. There is nothing i can do now but move on.

Shortly after i found out bad news i got some really great news. I got approved for an apartment and the move in rate is really afforable! I have been wanting a home for my son and i and its finally here! :-) right before all the holidays. I get to move in next week and i am super stoked! My son and i can finally be stable and be HOME. Ahhh i cant wait to get my stuff in there and settled. Ohhh how amazing its going to be to have places to put my things, for my son to have his own room again, to have my room again and my own space. Couldnt have come at a better time.

Then on top of that a customer of mine bought a vehicle thanks to my co worker wendi for helping me get him in there so i got a bonus and so does she!  And another customer will be coming in tomorrow i am hoping to get another sell. Oh it would be such a blessing.

I also had another apt today and everything is looking good.  I am looking at a natural delivery and delivering up where i live so thats a plus. I am so happy fot nichole to become a mommy she is going to do such an amazing job raising the girls :-) i am excited to see them grow.

I met Nicholes mother today and meeting many more of her family on sunday which is the baby shower :-) i know i probably wont be that talkitive because of all the love and emotion going on that day. Its Nicholes day and i am happy that i can be here for it. We are getting our hair done tommorrow and i am excited to spend qualitiy girl time together..

My son was such a good boy today i think he has been enjoying mommy time with me since wr hardly get to spend good time together because i work so much but mamas got to pay the bills. Aw i love him so much and i am so proud on how far i have come and i promise to make a good life for my lil man. He deserves it.

Within time everything works out for the better. You win some and you lose some. What you lose means its not meant to be and that there is something better out there waiting for you.. Just keep your faith and know good will come. My life may not be perfect but one day everything in it will be. I can feel it now.

Getting closer

I got to Nicholes and Paces house last night and Nichole and i went to the dr apt today. Baby a's heart has improved but its still not normal but its nothing to be to concerned about. She is going to need monitoring and additional medical attiention when she is born. So thats great :-)  i have another apt on friday so hopefully i will get a clear answer on where i should deliver.

Nicholes baby shower is on Sunday and i am so happy that she finally gets to throw a baby shower. Her friends and family are going to be there so i have lots of people to meet and names to remember lol i hope she gets good stuff i am thinking she will run out of room to put things lol

I am excited for her and pace to become parents. They are going to be great with the girls. I hope that their hearts will be filled with abundance after the girls are here.. I am sure they will be.

Its been nice already getting to spend this extra time getting to know them both. We all get a long pretty great.  Well its late and i feel like an old woman so i am gonna hit the hay...

Until next time

:-)

Today has been pretty decent.. I have been keeping my mind busy and focused on work. I am feeling better about myself today and I can only improve from here. My heart hurts but I got to ignore the feeling and just keep pushing this weight off of me. Its now the second day I haven't heard anything from my sons dad and I think it should be this way right now so we both can get our minds where they need to be. I don't know about him or if he will ever get his mind where it needs to be but I know I have to. I miss him like crazy and will always love him but if this is the way its suppose to be then I guess I have to deal with it and move on. I have always had to let go of things throughout my life that I wanted to keep but I guess God is telling me to let go :/

I will be okay and I will keep rising and pushing the weight off of me. I have check ups next week and I am excited I get 4 days off. Ya it will be a big cut in my paycheck but damn I think I need a break from everything for a minute to recollect myself and feel rejuvenated.  Nichole has some plans for us and the baby shower is on the 20th. I am excited for her to finally get to have a baby shower I hope she gets great stuff  :) I also get to meet her family and friends. It should be a good week next week.

I keep feeling contractions but they might just be Braxton hicks. I swear these girls are trying to give me a heart attack. Little girls even though you are taking up all the room in my belly and its very hard to do things right now... you still need to stay in there and develop a little bit more before you decide to come. And if you do come early I will only hope and pray you both will be healthy and not have to stay in the hospital long.. but I think the best option is STAY IN THERE! lol.

Well that's all for now..

hurts but can't give in.

Today i prayed for a good day and it was fine nothing major happened so thats something to be grateful for. My son was in daycare and he had such a good time i am glad he enjoyed it. I hope he gets what he needs from it like the social and physcial interaction with other kids.
I have been fighting a battle all day within myself trying to look past everything, let go, and breathe. I have to remind myself that everything will be okay and that i can do this.

Aches

Today when i woke up my feelings were telling me something was up.. Something wasnt right. It started when i finally got out of bed and got out the door on my way to take my son to his dads. I showed up and he didnt look or act the way he usually does. He had a friend there and his friend wasnt friendly towards me at all.. My sons dad wasnt being himself.

So i left mason with his dad so i could get to work and the feeling got worse..i started asking questions on what i think it might be and just get yelled at for asking.

While i am at work i notice my stress level and my stomach tightening and pain in my back so i decided to go pick up my son because i knew something wasnt right with his dad and i didnt feel comfortable
Leaving him with his dad while i went to the hospitial to get checked out to make sure i wasnt contracting.

So i pick my son up take him to the person whom i am living with and go to the er. Turns out i was having contractions and man do those ache..they gve me medcine to stop them. I was there for 5 hours and while i was there thinking got the best of me once again. I realized i was alone..

This pregnancy has been totally different than my first and thats from the very get go. The guy who got me pregnant wrote me off completely after i decided not to go through with the abortion. He was someone who i thought cared. He was someone who i thought was my friend. He was someone who i thought would stay around. Thats what i get for thinking.

My sons dad has tried to be there for me but i hurt him. I have been trying for 5 months to fix our open wounds we have sliced upon each other and today i am closing them. I can no longer hurt him or i trying to fix our relationship.. Today he wouldnt let me through his door. He wouldnt even open it to talk to me. Now i have my suspicions on why he wouldnt open it and why his friend answered his phone..my instincts tell me something isnt right.. He wanted me to leave and my sons dad would have let me in, he would have talked to me. It only makes me realize that this time the door is really shut between us..

My heart, my mind, and my body aches.. Today was the day his heart finally closed off from mine. I know my mistakes and i know i tried he might not think so. I tried to pick up the broken pieces but didnt seem to have help instead i was just making more. My heart is broken once again.

Looking at our pictures of our family and pictures of him and i when we were happy and complete is making my heart bleed of pain. I can remember how i use to feel for him and never thought we would seperate. I was so grateful and would tell him often how lucky i was to have him. Thinking of the good times is filling my heart with pain because i know ill never get those back. I cant hold back my tears any longer as they all falling from my eyes like rain tonight.

We made a family and thats something my heart has always wanted since growing up in a dysfunctinal home myself. I wanted a family for my son so bad and feel like a failure cause our family is broken.  I know this isnt going to be easy on my heart but the time has come. I wish him nothing but happiness and i hope he finds exactly what he is looking for  i wish him luck..

No i am not okay but i guess i will pretend i am.

My heart is heavy  and my mind is dense...Tonight i ache..tomorrow i wish to be numb

Ready to be settled.

Well i have been trying to decide what i am going to do.. Should i move to the city or stay in this town reminded of my past and bothered by the people who only try to break me down..

I went to the city for interviews and that was a bust.. Yeah more opportunites but more competition and no one really wants to hire a pregnant lady :-\ so i had to come back up to this small down disappointed and more stressed.

I still have my job. Thank god. And my co worker has been such a great help letting my son and i stay with her. Its not home but it will do until i find something for us. Which seems to be a challenge in itself because i cant find something in my price range with a short term lease.  I dont want a year lease because i dont want to stay up here more than i have to. I might move back to utah but i am still unsure about that.

I figure the best thing for me to do is wait till i have the girls to move that way i am not so stressed and causing them stress and that way i can lift boxes and have the energy to do it all.

I sure do miss having a place to call home its been almost 6 months being unstable and the holidays are coming and i just want to be able to go home and feel relaxed, feel whole, feel like i am home. I want to decorate. I want my son to know what home is.. I hate switching places all the time.

It would be nice if i had my family's support. I think its because i chose to do adoption and they look down on me. I dont care anymore... It just makes me feel like blood really doesnt matter because pretty much my whole life its been strangers or friends who have helped me in time of need. Family doesnt have to be blood and my life is living proof of that.

After i have these girls i think my life will change. I will be a lot wiser, stronger, and i wont put up with anyones shit. I feel once these babies are born i will also be reborn into someone new. And anyone who wants to judge me or try to break me will get a very rude awakening because i will be on the top this go around.

As for the adoptive parents i feel like they have been the parents i have been needing in this time in my life since my parents seemed to check out a long time ago. Pace and nichole (the adoptive parents) have given me guidence, emotional support, financial support, and given me strength and they always keep lifting me up when i fall. Me Giving them two beautiful little girls makes me happy. I know that they to will have such amazing people always in their lives to love and guide them through trials and error. They are gonna be amazing parents. I am glad i can give them something in return for helping me get through this stage in my life.

So for now i will stay where i am at and keep looking for something to get settled into before the holidays and keep moving forward and try to stay positive as much as i want to just run away. I will keep trying thats all i can do. 

Head Spinning

*sigh* I don't even know where to begin.

I didn't think I would be in the spot I am in today.. Trials and Tribulations over and over again. When does it end? Why does life have to be hard? I think a lot of my problems come from not having a good relationship with my parents. They both haven't really been there for me emotionally throughout my whole life and they still aren't there for me today. They don't call to see how I am doing. They don't call to see how their grandson is doing. It breaks my heart and makes me angry to know that they don't want to put in the effort still to this day. They go weeks or months without making any contact with me. It makes me wonder sometimes if I died today what would they think and how would they feel for not being the parents that they could be.

My mom has been there for me in the past when I was underage but she still wasn't there emotionally maybe physically but emotionally there was always a space. She no longer is there for me and as for my dad he comes and goes.

I understand everyone has their own life to live but I am their child.. It doesn't make sense in my head. If I had their love and support and knew I did then maybe I wouldn't always be falling off the road i am on. As my son grows and the girls grow I am going to show them that I am always there and I am going to be there when they need me. I don't understand why my parents are still so far in their own problems they can't take the time for their children. I have tried to make the effort and tried to see how they are doing but I never get it back.. I give up.


It just really sucks to think the people who brought me into this world don't care enough to make sure I am doing ok.. When I need them the most they are never there. I have tried to express to them how I feel but my words go unheard. When the people who gave me life don't seem to care it makes it extremely difficult for me to even want to be here on the planet.

Knowing that my girls will have both a mother and father who love them and will guide them and support them and keep them out of harms way makes me happy. Children are smarter when they have both mom and dad in their life helping them get through the trials and errors.

As for me I guess I will continue to do what I got to do and try to be happy once again and maybe one day the hole in my heart of my parents not being there will get patched or filled with something else... maybe it wont. Time can only tell..

I guess I made it this far without them who needs them now..

Life does not get better by chance.. It gets better by change.

So here I am again in the same situation that I am always going to put be in with my sons dad.. I have to let it go I can no longer show him or tell him that things are different. I have to keep moving a long and can no longer be slowed down. I have a big life to live and things to accomplish and I don't need anyone getting in my way or making me feel like crap. Time for change once again.

Well little girls I am feeling you a bunch today and it makes me so happy to feel you kicking around in there probably kicking each other in the face or laying on top of each other trying to make more room.. Well its only going to get more crowed and you guys have a couple more months to cook in my belly before you decide to enter the world :) I can't wait to kiss your soft skin and love on you both. I want pictures of all of us together including your brother so I can make very cute scrapbook.

The holidays are coming and it only makes me more anxious to meet you two and eat some yummy food :D

Well little ones I love you so much and I am glad you both are growing so well. I am going to make an apt with the doc on Monday to see when the next time I go in to see you beautiful girls and make sure everything is okay..

I am going to go take a bath now because my lower back is killing me and hopefully the warm water helps I hope you guys enjoy it as well! Love you my babies <3

Heavy thoughts.

I know how excited the adoptive parents are to parent the girls but I have a few concerns that are creeping up on me. Will they keep their word on how I am going to stay involved with the girls?

This really worries me because this is not an easy decision to make adopting them out. I want to have all my children with me that's any mothers logic. I want to raise my children and watch them grow and go through all those moments with them. I am getting more attached to these little girls as time goes on and I just wonder how the hell am I going to go through with this and be okay? How can I trust that they will let me see and be involved with the girls without the parents feeling like I am intruding? I have debated on keeping one baby and letting them parent the other.. but everyone says to keep them together.. Ughh.. so many things, so many emotions, I hate it... I hate that I got myself into this predicament and I often blame myself and feel like I will feel a lifetime of heartache because the decision I made 5-6 months ago.

Any mother wants her babies and no mother wants to give her babies to someone else.. even mothers who aren't fit to be mothers wont make the sacrifice. I know I am a good mom and I HATE that if I kept them I would be putting all my kids through struggle and unhappiness. It really saddens me that mothers who are drug addicts and mothers who can't protect, provide, and love their children keep them. Its selfish that they can't admit that they can't take care of their children. Most kids grow up in unstable households, a lot are abused, neglected, mistreated. Why do you think we have so many bad people in this world? Its because they weren't raised right. They weren't protected. They were abused. Anyway I will save that rant for another blog.

I know some days will be harder than others and I am just hoping for the best. I am going to be involved in the girls lives as much as I can be. I am going to try and stay positive and hope for the best and let the heavens take care of the rest!

Happiness Vs Sadness

   I am so excited to see the adoptive mother become a mom finally. I could only imagine the pain, trials, and tears she has gone through the last 8 years of infertility. I am happy to see her grow as a parent and watch her raise our little girls! I have an over whelming feeling of joy and happiness when I think about how everything is going to work out. I have become close with her and she is an amazing woman of many talents. She has the warmest caring eyes I have ever seen.

   I have looked into aura colors and we found out that she is a blue. Blues are the most giving and nurturing out of all the aura colors. They are the motherly color. Blues value relationships and spirituality above all else. They are the best givers. Blues live from their heart and they are the loving caretakers on the planet. If you want to know more about blues read this book " Life Colors" by Pamala Oslie

   This also made my decision a little bit easier knowing the blue aura color and what they are about. Yes its going to be a very happy time for her in her life and I am glad I can give it to her. It will be sad for me knowing what I have to do and try and keep strong throughout this whole process. What hurts me is they wont know me as "mom" at least not for a long while. It is her happiness and my sadness.

   I am giving someone happiness while I may suffer some sadness for awhile or forever. I know time will ease the pain and I know I will always be happy for my little girls in the life they will live. What is really sad is I can't give them the life they deserve. I cant provide for them and still be a mother and give them the time and dedication they deserve. My son I have now barely gets any of my time because I work a full time job trying to support us and pay the bills. His father and I have been through a rough patch and it really has taken a toll on us and on our son. His father has been trying to find a job but the town we live in doesn't have very many opportunities.

    So right now the weight is on my shoulders and being pregnant doesn't make it easier. I can be very emotional at times and just cry because I need to let out my frustrations and pain. I am trying very hard to make a life for our family and it hasn't been easy. I guess the good things don't come easily. I know we will make it through this and I know one day I will be in a place where I want to be and I will be happy again. Right now I can't complain I am doing the best I can and I have support from my sons grandparents. They are letting us stay there so I can save a couple checks to get into my own place once again. I will be forever grateful for them helping me out it really does mean a lot and I am planning on doing something very special for them to show them my appreciation for doing what they have done for me since I met their son.

   I really don't know how everything will play out I just hope I can stay strong and not regret making this decision for my little girls. I have picked such an amazing couple and I am growing closer to them everyday. They want me to be involved with the girls as much as I would like to be and I am going to be as much as I can. The adoptive mom and I talk everyday and she is like my best friend. She is really the only one I have opened up to about my feelings about everything since I chosen them to parent the girls.

   Its going to be a very bitter sweet thing and I can't wait to hold these little girls and give them all the kisses in the world. I am so happy for the adoptive mother to be able to do that as well! I can't wait.. we need to plan girl days with each other :D

   Happiness Vs Sadness I wonder which will prevail at the very end.. I am betting on Happiness.

Parts of My Heart

   I am almost at starting point of a new journey in my life and it feels like walking into a dark room not knowing what feelings may overcome you. I weigh out the pros I weigh out the cons. I feel the greatness in how this new journey in my life will benefit not only them and I but what will benefit everyone. I feel love, trust, respect, and like family with people I have just merely met. I am sharing parts of my heart. I have chosen open adoption.

  Adoption in my eyes is a wonderful act of kindness bestowed upon another woman who cannot bear children. Its a wonderful act of kindness to bestow upon a dad that is ready to be a dad as well. I would also like to point out how much of a blessing you are giving to another couple. Another couple who has the time to parent, love and nurture a child. Who can give them the time, dedication, commitment, and stability the child deserves.

   I know a lot of people see adoption as giving your baby up and I would like to say to you people that your wrong. It is not "giving up" your child its "giving them more." Giving them the best. Giving them more people who will love them. Looking out for their best interest. Looking out for your best interest. Blessing another family who can't make a family on their own. Sharing special pieces of your heart.

   Adoption can really be such a beautiful thing for the people involved. No, its not easy for anyone especially the birth mom which is me in this case. It was not a glorified time in my life at the time I decided adoption would be the better road to go down. I tumbled with it for a while and it ate me up inside. There was many many tears, hopelessness, guiltiness and depressed days and nights. That's all I thought about and I was a zombie with everything going on in my life and with the decisions I had to think about to make because I know that time is very limited.

   I am pregnant with twin girls who happen to be identical and very active inside my belly and who are growing under my heart but most importantly in my heart. I have a son who I absolutely adore and have unconditional love for. He makes my day everyday and I just love to kiss his chubby cheeks and squeeze him so tight. He is growing and learning so fast I feel like I just had him yesterday. I already know what it takes and what it is like to become a mother and its the best feeling in the world!

   I have finally come to a peace of mind with this decision. I have met two great people who I feel in my heart will take care of these two little girls and give them a life that I wouldn't be able to full fill and I am not scared to admit it to myself. I feel in my heart the love, joy and happiness this new journey has in store for me. I often think to myself about how great these little girls are going to turn out and how happy they will be. I often catch myself smiling and feeling proud. Yes, its going to hurt knowing they won't be calling me mommy and I won't get to be with them everyday but that's something I am going to have to ease through time and that's because I am making this very decision.

   I know everything is going to be okay and the girls will see how great their Mom and Dad are going to be. I know they will love their Mom and Dad very much because I know Mom and Dad are going to take good care of them. I hope they can understand one day why I chose this decision and be grateful for the way their lives turned out. I will always be in their lives and be here for whenever they may need me. I will still have a relationship with them. Not my girls but our girls...

   Soon to be Mom and Dad I hope your ready to embrace the gifts these children will bring to your life. Get ready to have little ones running around causing you grief, getting into everything, making messes, a bunch of snuggles, worthwhile moments, lessons, trial and errors, love and most importantly HAPPINESS!