How to fill the holes in my heart...

My breakdowns have been coming less now but it doesn't stop my mind from wandering.. Especially when I see pictures of the girls.. They look so much like me/my son/the birth father.. and so  many things just run through my head.. It still pains my heart seeing the girls and knowing that I cant be there with them..

I sit here and wonder.. maybe I could have found a way to take care of them.. maybe I could have gone through the struggles and made my family strong.. Maybe I could have been in their lives and been the mother I wanted to be. They say if there is a will there is a way.. and I just wish I would have done it differently. I want to be their Mom I really do.. maybe it would have made me a stronger mother to keep all my children..

I chose adoption because I was alone and doing everything on my own.. and I had no help from the father.. and I could bless a family who couldn't have children. So I was left with "how am I going to make a good life for not only the girls but for my son as well" I am only 20 years old and have a whole life to live some days I wish I didn't have a whole life to live... but now I am left with.. What am I going to do the rest of my life? Who will I become? What will I do? Will I just stay the same and not go anywhere? Because if that is the case I could have kept my girls...

I am still struggling to let go of the birth father.. He keeps coming into my mind and I just wonder how he could have been so cold? I know we both made a mistake.. and ugh I just wish I could forget about him.. but I can't and I don't think I ever will.. Yes time will make it easier to forget and I can only count on that.

I feel like I am missing pieces of myself and I don't know what to do to try and fill the holes.. I can drink my sorrow away for one night and then be left in the same spot I was in the morning.. Nothing helps right now... I often look up in the sky and wonder.. where will I be 5 years from now? What am I suppose to do now? Live life like everyone else? Or go out there and make something of myself... I don't even know who I want to be.. I feel lost and I just feel like I am going with the flow of everything but it doesn't feel right to me... nothing really does anymore.

My sons Dad and I have been putting our family back together and that does help me a little bit. It has been nice to have him there with me.. when I am upset he is there to hug me and tell me everything is ok. I don't know how I am going to live my life without my girls..I just cant seem to wake up from this dream... I wish I could go back in time and restart my whole life..

I am glad I brought happiness to Pace and Nichole.. I don't regret that.. but I didn't know how bad it would hurt me to not be in the girl's lives as much as I would like to be.. I am just waiting for time to heal me.. but who knows if it ever will...

Everyone says how brave and nobel I am for choosing what I chose.. but honestly I feel like a coward for not  taking the risk to raise my own children..

The deed is done.

Papers to sign my consent were signed yesterday. I finally feel closure to the birth father and I can move on. I feel a sense of peace in my heart in mind now. I know how great of a life the girls will live and how great of a family they will have and it really keeps me at peace. I had a rough time a couple weeks after birth and didn't think I could do this but I did. Everyday is a chance for me to make something of myself.

I feel like great things are coming my way and I feel like I have a brand new life and a second chance. It feels great.

I love Pace and Nichole very much and I am glad the hard part is over. Now we all can move forward together with open arms and open hearts. This year I thought was the worst year of my life but I turned it into something completely amazing. I have a new family, new hopes, new dreams and a life I will be proud of someday :)

Aahhh... The moment I have been waiting for all year...

Peace in my heart and mind alas!

<333

Ready or not

Well we found out the results of the father and it was what I thought and what I knew during my pregnancy. When Nichole told me the results I just lost it for a second my stomach dropped and my head started to spin. I wish it could have been a little different so that way I could completely forget about the birth father.. But his memory will live on in my mind and heart. He is the father of our two beautiful twin girls how could I ever forget him now? He has been ready since the day I found out I was pregnant to "get rid of" the problem.. Which I am glad I never went down that path. He is ready to sign his rights which will be this weekend.. This really hurts my heart to know that he doesn't even want to see what they look like or want to go and actually hold them but I knew that was never an option for him. That's something I have accepted but it still stings.

I am suppose to sign over my rights as well this weekend and I just want to say my heart will never be ready to do that.. but I have to do what I need to do so everyone can move on and live their lives. I will always feel this pain in my heart not raising my two beautiful daughters. I think about how much I am going to miss out on.. and it really just makes me want to cry every time I think about it. I love them so much and I haven't really even had time to hold them or bond with them before I sign over my rights. Some people say it would be harder to do that if you spend more time with them.. But for me if I can't see them or hold them its going to be way harder signing over cause I am left with "wonder".

I am taking a leap of faith in Nichole and Pace to see how everything plays out and to see if we really are going to be one big happy family like we all have spoke of this year. I have to trust them with what they have told me they will do. I love Nichole and Pace and I am happy they finally get to be parents. I have eased their pain and now I will feel pain probably for the rest of my life, which that is a choice I made and have to live with. I know the girls will be absolutely loved and taken care of. They will have FAMILY there for them and I think that's super important.

Today I have an apt with an Attorney to find out basically what all the paperwork means.. So after today I have to prepare for what's to come. I hope that god know what he is doing there must be a bigger plan for me then I realize right now. I just hope I find out soon what this all means and where this is all leading me to.

As for the birth father I will be bonded to him through the girls for the rest of my life.  I hope he finds it in his heart sometime in his life to make contact with our girls and to see how beautiful they are. I know the girls will want to know who he is one day and I hope he is around so they can know him.  My heart is spread in many places right now so I guess I need to find the pieces and put it back together.