So its been three weeks since I had the girls and it has been a tough. I will just start crying and feeling sorry for myself and how everything played out. A part of me wishes I had made a plan to keep the girls and I wish that I had the help that I needed. I know with all the doctors appointments and all the time I had to leave work to look for a place and get settled didn't help me out. No mother wants to part from her children.. and sometimes I feel like a bad mom for making the decision that I did.
I am glad that I gave Pace and Nichole the opportunity to finally be parents I really am. I am just a little bittersweet about it. But I know if I kept them not only would it be a struggle for me to keep supporting my children with my only income.. it would be a struggle for them and they would not have the opportunity for many things in life that Pace and Nichole can fulfill for them.
I just get scared cause I wont have any rights over Chloe and Araya and it just scares me that Pace and Nichole might change how they act when everything is said and done. I don't think they would do that but its still a fear I have. They really have been good hearted and loving towards me I just hope everything will still be the same if not better.
The girls will have a blessed life with their Mommy and Daddy and that's all I want for them. I also want them to know who I am and I hope they don't hate me as they grow older cause that will only kill me. I hope one day they will totally understand and feel peace in their hearts knowing why I had to do what I did.
After seeing them and holding them I fell in love instantly just like I did with my son. I will forever love them and be in their lives as much as I can be and as much as the girls would like me to be. This has been a hard week being away from them. I get to see them on Thanksgiving I am super excited. It will make my heart feel a little better being able to be with them.
I hope this gets easier in time.. I am ready to feel peace in my heart.. but it seems like its going to be awhile before that happens.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
Nov 11, 2013. Happy birthday baby girls.
The day has come the baby girls are here. I came into thr hospital the night before. I was having contractions. So when i got to the hospital they did and ultrasound and baby b (araya) had not even 1cm of fluid around her. So they continued to monitor me throughtout the night and did another ultrasound in the morning and we still got the same results. So the doctor said that i needed to be delivered. It had to be c section because they didnt want to put any of the babies under stress and didnt want to deliver me both ways just in case one came out fine and the other one doesnt. I would almost rather a c section over a vaginal birth because it seems like less pain when I stand up and I can pee and poo better than the last time i gave birth to my little man.
So by 2 o clock i was in the OR room ready to be cut into. I was scared but i got through it. One of the nurses was great help he calmed my nerves. So baby A Chloe Elizabeth born at 2:08 pm weighing 3lbs 5oz and baby B Araya Mae born at 2:09 pm weighing 2lbs 8oz. Nichole and I automatically started crying once we seen our baby girls!
Once I got sew up I couldn't see the girls for a couple hours because I was in the recovery room being watched to make sure everything was fine. I was so anxious to get up there and see our beautiful daughters. While I was at the hospital I got to hold them one time and that was so special for me to bond with them even though it was for such a short time. Its gonna be hard to leave them. I already thought it was hard to leave them there at the hospital when I got discharged. I just want to love on them and hold them before I go back home.. they are such blessings.
Nichole and Pace are happy they are here but it still hasn't set in yet that they are parents. Not until the girls get home I think it won't set in. The girls are doing great they both have a little bit of support for breathing and have tubes going down their throats into their bellys to feed them but they haven't been feeding them yet. I think once they start the feeding the girls will start improving a lot faster and be home in no time.
I love them so much and I am glad they made it here and are doing well. A part of me is always going to feel missing while i am away from them but I know how amazing Nichole and Pace are going to take care of them. I love Nichole and Pace so much for being on this journey with me and I thank god for placing everything in its place to get to where we are today.
I now have a big loving family and its all because Araya and Chloe being here on this earth. Baby girls your so amazing and I love you both so very much.
So by 2 o clock i was in the OR room ready to be cut into. I was scared but i got through it. One of the nurses was great help he calmed my nerves. So baby A Chloe Elizabeth born at 2:08 pm weighing 3lbs 5oz and baby B Araya Mae born at 2:09 pm weighing 2lbs 8oz. Nichole and I automatically started crying once we seen our baby girls!
Once I got sew up I couldn't see the girls for a couple hours because I was in the recovery room being watched to make sure everything was fine. I was so anxious to get up there and see our beautiful daughters. While I was at the hospital I got to hold them one time and that was so special for me to bond with them even though it was for such a short time. Its gonna be hard to leave them. I already thought it was hard to leave them there at the hospital when I got discharged. I just want to love on them and hold them before I go back home.. they are such blessings.
Nichole and Pace are happy they are here but it still hasn't set in yet that they are parents. Not until the girls get home I think it won't set in. The girls are doing great they both have a little bit of support for breathing and have tubes going down their throats into their bellys to feed them but they haven't been feeding them yet. I think once they start the feeding the girls will start improving a lot faster and be home in no time.
I love them so much and I am glad they made it here and are doing well. A part of me is always going to feel missing while i am away from them but I know how amazing Nichole and Pace are going to take care of them. I love Nichole and Pace so much for being on this journey with me and I thank god for placing everything in its place to get to where we are today.
I now have a big loving family and its all because Araya and Chloe being here on this earth. Baby girls your so amazing and I love you both so very much.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
So little time left
So I got flown to the valley because I was in preterm labor at 31 weeks. I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days and it wasn't easy staying there with the horrible food and the nurses bugging me every time the babies went of the monitor and constantly laying on my back. They also had magnesium running into my veins and that crap is NO FUN! I had to do an amniotic reduction where they stick a needle in your belly to reduce the fluid in the babys sac. I was terrified of a big needle going into my belly and scared that it might hurt the girls or might not even work.. But I have a great doctor and he did a good job and the procedure wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be. Whew.. I was glad when it was over.. I had to get that procedure done because the twins have twin to twin transfusion.. It basically means that they aren't sharing the way they should be. Baby b was giving baby a all her nutrients and fluid and I think maybe thats because baby b knows baby a has a heart problem. Well after they reduced the fluid I was no longer contracting and i closed up my cervix a little bit. So i finally got released Saturday. THANK GOD!
The doctor still doesn't want me to return home so I have been staying in the valley at Pace and Nichole's house.. and I don't mind being here and getting to know them and spending more time with them but i haven't seen my son in a week now and i feel so stressed and I don't feel complete. I miss my lil guy so much and have been having to stress about his father taking care of him and taking care of my apartment. I can't go back to work and thats very stressful thing to think about because I am the only income. Thank goodness I have Pace and Nichole they understand my situation and are willing to help me out when I get back to get back on track.. They have been completely supportive of me and have been making my life a lot easier to deal with.
So my doctor suggested that we deliver these girls in two weeks.. I will be 34 weeks. Man I can't tell you how scared I am getting and a little concerned with how hard its going to be leaving and going home without them… I haven't really wanted to think about it and I just hope i am not a complete wreck when the time comes.. I hope Nichole doesn't get annoyed with how much I will be asking about them or wanting TONS of pictures. Cause I am gonna need them to soothe my heart and to know they are okay. Which I know they will be but man i just don't know how everything will be.. I am gonna need a bottle of booze after this one to calm my nerves and my thoughts.
I know these girls are gonna have such great parents that will give them the best life they can give them. I am excited for Nichole and Pace to finally have their dream come true. Knowing how I am affecting their lives by making this decision makes it easier for me to do this. Nichole has become like my big sister that i never had and I am so excited for her to become a mommy and know the love for a child(s). She is gonna be great at it and I wouldn't want anyone else to parent these babies but them. Pace is going to become all soft being in a house full of girls! Feel sorry for that guy when menstral cycles come around lol. I am sure he doesn't mind those girls will be the apple of his eye and that warms my heart because I never had a father growing up watching over me or never had the opportunity to be a "Daddys girl" and it makes me so happy knowing that they will have a stable father who will always be there for them.
I have to think of what I want the girls to call me.. Nichole suggested "Mama Nikki" i think thats a good one.. I was more thinking of "BABY MAMA" (lmao inside joke) maybe to make it even cuter "Mama kiki" :)
Bottom line is these girls will have so many people there for them. They are going to be well taken care of and there will be no question about it. Yes I know its probably going to really hard for me to leave without all my babies and its going to get me somedays but at the end of the day I know that i made the right decision and I know Nichole and Pace are going to do a great job with them. I am honored to bestow two beautiful little blessings upon them.
The doctor still doesn't want me to return home so I have been staying in the valley at Pace and Nichole's house.. and I don't mind being here and getting to know them and spending more time with them but i haven't seen my son in a week now and i feel so stressed and I don't feel complete. I miss my lil guy so much and have been having to stress about his father taking care of him and taking care of my apartment. I can't go back to work and thats very stressful thing to think about because I am the only income. Thank goodness I have Pace and Nichole they understand my situation and are willing to help me out when I get back to get back on track.. They have been completely supportive of me and have been making my life a lot easier to deal with.
So my doctor suggested that we deliver these girls in two weeks.. I will be 34 weeks. Man I can't tell you how scared I am getting and a little concerned with how hard its going to be leaving and going home without them… I haven't really wanted to think about it and I just hope i am not a complete wreck when the time comes.. I hope Nichole doesn't get annoyed with how much I will be asking about them or wanting TONS of pictures. Cause I am gonna need them to soothe my heart and to know they are okay. Which I know they will be but man i just don't know how everything will be.. I am gonna need a bottle of booze after this one to calm my nerves and my thoughts.
I know these girls are gonna have such great parents that will give them the best life they can give them. I am excited for Nichole and Pace to finally have their dream come true. Knowing how I am affecting their lives by making this decision makes it easier for me to do this. Nichole has become like my big sister that i never had and I am so excited for her to become a mommy and know the love for a child(s). She is gonna be great at it and I wouldn't want anyone else to parent these babies but them. Pace is going to become all soft being in a house full of girls! Feel sorry for that guy when menstral cycles come around lol. I am sure he doesn't mind those girls will be the apple of his eye and that warms my heart because I never had a father growing up watching over me or never had the opportunity to be a "Daddys girl" and it makes me so happy knowing that they will have a stable father who will always be there for them.
I have to think of what I want the girls to call me.. Nichole suggested "Mama Nikki" i think thats a good one.. I was more thinking of "BABY MAMA" (lmao inside joke) maybe to make it even cuter "Mama kiki" :)
Bottom line is these girls will have so many people there for them. They are going to be well taken care of and there will be no question about it. Yes I know its probably going to really hard for me to leave without all my babies and its going to get me somedays but at the end of the day I know that i made the right decision and I know Nichole and Pace are going to do a great job with them. I am honored to bestow two beautiful little blessings upon them.
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