Breaking Free

FINALLY!! The moment I have been waiting for!! I got a house for my son and I. Its a small 2 bed 1 bath but it will do the job. We finally have a home and I am so excited to move in and decorate for the holidays!!

I had a such a good week spending time with Nichole it was a nice break from the town I live in and from work. She had such a good turn out for her baby shower and got so many cute things for the girls. There was lots of tears, love, and happiness it was a real good time. I left the shower feeling full of life and love. I feel like I have broken free from my unhappiness and sorrow. I have moved on from my old life and I am on new journey with amazing people! My heart is filled with so much love and gratitude for every moment leading up to here. Ahh. I can breathe.. I can feel... I can be me once again and not have to worry about having another person to satisfy other than my son.

Nichole and Pace have truly helped me heal through this tough time in my life and they have given me support, love and guidance. I am so happy for them to have these little girls the baby shower was so emotional I think I seen Pace tear up a little bit. I am glad they liked my gift. It was vinyl décor that you can put on your walls and I made "Chloe" and "Araya" and I wrote a saying that said "From God's Arms, Nurtured within me, and Placed in your hearts forever" It made the whole room cry..I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction from everyone but I am glad that everyone felt the love I put into those words. What a wonderful day it was.

Nichole tried so hard not to cry but she couldn't hold back. She has such a tender loving heart she is amazing. My son and I were sad to leave. I miss them already. I really do feel like they have made me part of the family..and when the girls get here it will only be that much more like family. I hope I see them soon they have to come check out my new place.

What a great week. I hope from now on it just gets better from here :D

In time

Today was a sort of emotions for me. When i first woke up i got some not so good news about my sons dad. I only keep getting proved right that nothing will ever change he doesnt want to keep our family together because of his addictions and he told me he no longer loved me anymore. I knew this day would come and i have finally reached the end of our journey together. It saddens me because from previous conversations i thought he was really going to change. Just a couple days before today he was telling me how bad he wanted us and our family back.. I guess that was just talk. So now i need a clean break from him so i can let myself heal.. I am going to do my best to stay strong and keep thoughts of our memories out of my head. There is nothing i can do now but move on.

Shortly after i found out bad news i got some really great news. I got approved for an apartment and the move in rate is really afforable! I have been wanting a home for my son and i and its finally here! :-) right before all the holidays. I get to move in next week and i am super stoked! My son and i can finally be stable and be HOME. Ahhh i cant wait to get my stuff in there and settled. Ohhh how amazing its going to be to have places to put my things, for my son to have his own room again, to have my room again and my own space. Couldnt have come at a better time.

Then on top of that a customer of mine bought a vehicle thanks to my co worker wendi for helping me get him in there so i got a bonus and so does she!  And another customer will be coming in tomorrow i am hoping to get another sell. Oh it would be such a blessing.

I also had another apt today and everything is looking good.  I am looking at a natural delivery and delivering up where i live so thats a plus. I am so happy fot nichole to become a mommy she is going to do such an amazing job raising the girls :-) i am excited to see them grow.

I met Nicholes mother today and meeting many more of her family on sunday which is the baby shower :-) i know i probably wont be that talkitive because of all the love and emotion going on that day. Its Nicholes day and i am happy that i can be here for it. We are getting our hair done tommorrow and i am excited to spend qualitiy girl time together..

My son was such a good boy today i think he has been enjoying mommy time with me since wr hardly get to spend good time together because i work so much but mamas got to pay the bills. Aw i love him so much and i am so proud on how far i have come and i promise to make a good life for my lil man. He deserves it.

Within time everything works out for the better. You win some and you lose some. What you lose means its not meant to be and that there is something better out there waiting for you.. Just keep your faith and know good will come. My life may not be perfect but one day everything in it will be. I can feel it now.

Getting closer

I got to Nicholes and Paces house last night and Nichole and i went to the dr apt today. Baby a's heart has improved but its still not normal but its nothing to be to concerned about. She is going to need monitoring and additional medical attiention when she is born. So thats great :-)  i have another apt on friday so hopefully i will get a clear answer on where i should deliver.

Nicholes baby shower is on Sunday and i am so happy that she finally gets to throw a baby shower. Her friends and family are going to be there so i have lots of people to meet and names to remember lol i hope she gets good stuff i am thinking she will run out of room to put things lol

I am excited for her and pace to become parents. They are going to be great with the girls. I hope that their hearts will be filled with abundance after the girls are here.. I am sure they will be.

Its been nice already getting to spend this extra time getting to know them both. We all get a long pretty great.  Well its late and i feel like an old woman so i am gonna hit the hay...

Until next time

:-)

Today has been pretty decent.. I have been keeping my mind busy and focused on work. I am feeling better about myself today and I can only improve from here. My heart hurts but I got to ignore the feeling and just keep pushing this weight off of me. Its now the second day I haven't heard anything from my sons dad and I think it should be this way right now so we both can get our minds where they need to be. I don't know about him or if he will ever get his mind where it needs to be but I know I have to. I miss him like crazy and will always love him but if this is the way its suppose to be then I guess I have to deal with it and move on. I have always had to let go of things throughout my life that I wanted to keep but I guess God is telling me to let go :/

I will be okay and I will keep rising and pushing the weight off of me. I have check ups next week and I am excited I get 4 days off. Ya it will be a big cut in my paycheck but damn I think I need a break from everything for a minute to recollect myself and feel rejuvenated.  Nichole has some plans for us and the baby shower is on the 20th. I am excited for her to finally get to have a baby shower I hope she gets great stuff  :) I also get to meet her family and friends. It should be a good week next week.

I keep feeling contractions but they might just be Braxton hicks. I swear these girls are trying to give me a heart attack. Little girls even though you are taking up all the room in my belly and its very hard to do things right now... you still need to stay in there and develop a little bit more before you decide to come. And if you do come early I will only hope and pray you both will be healthy and not have to stay in the hospital long.. but I think the best option is STAY IN THERE! lol.

Well that's all for now..

hurts but can't give in.

Today i prayed for a good day and it was fine nothing major happened so thats something to be grateful for. My son was in daycare and he had such a good time i am glad he enjoyed it. I hope he gets what he needs from it like the social and physcial interaction with other kids.
I have been fighting a battle all day within myself trying to look past everything, let go, and breathe. I have to remind myself that everything will be okay and that i can do this.

Aches

Today when i woke up my feelings were telling me something was up.. Something wasnt right. It started when i finally got out of bed and got out the door on my way to take my son to his dads. I showed up and he didnt look or act the way he usually does. He had a friend there and his friend wasnt friendly towards me at all.. My sons dad wasnt being himself.

So i left mason with his dad so i could get to work and the feeling got worse..i started asking questions on what i think it might be and just get yelled at for asking.

While i am at work i notice my stress level and my stomach tightening and pain in my back so i decided to go pick up my son because i knew something wasnt right with his dad and i didnt feel comfortable
Leaving him with his dad while i went to the hospitial to get checked out to make sure i wasnt contracting.

So i pick my son up take him to the person whom i am living with and go to the er. Turns out i was having contractions and man do those ache..they gve me medcine to stop them. I was there for 5 hours and while i was there thinking got the best of me once again. I realized i was alone..

This pregnancy has been totally different than my first and thats from the very get go. The guy who got me pregnant wrote me off completely after i decided not to go through with the abortion. He was someone who i thought cared. He was someone who i thought was my friend. He was someone who i thought would stay around. Thats what i get for thinking.

My sons dad has tried to be there for me but i hurt him. I have been trying for 5 months to fix our open wounds we have sliced upon each other and today i am closing them. I can no longer hurt him or i trying to fix our relationship.. Today he wouldnt let me through his door. He wouldnt even open it to talk to me. Now i have my suspicions on why he wouldnt open it and why his friend answered his phone..my instincts tell me something isnt right.. He wanted me to leave and my sons dad would have let me in, he would have talked to me. It only makes me realize that this time the door is really shut between us..

My heart, my mind, and my body aches.. Today was the day his heart finally closed off from mine. I know my mistakes and i know i tried he might not think so. I tried to pick up the broken pieces but didnt seem to have help instead i was just making more. My heart is broken once again.

Looking at our pictures of our family and pictures of him and i when we were happy and complete is making my heart bleed of pain. I can remember how i use to feel for him and never thought we would seperate. I was so grateful and would tell him often how lucky i was to have him. Thinking of the good times is filling my heart with pain because i know ill never get those back. I cant hold back my tears any longer as they all falling from my eyes like rain tonight.

We made a family and thats something my heart has always wanted since growing up in a dysfunctinal home myself. I wanted a family for my son so bad and feel like a failure cause our family is broken.  I know this isnt going to be easy on my heart but the time has come. I wish him nothing but happiness and i hope he finds exactly what he is looking for  i wish him luck..

No i am not okay but i guess i will pretend i am.

My heart is heavy  and my mind is dense...Tonight i ache..tomorrow i wish to be numb

Ready to be settled.

Well i have been trying to decide what i am going to do.. Should i move to the city or stay in this town reminded of my past and bothered by the people who only try to break me down..

I went to the city for interviews and that was a bust.. Yeah more opportunites but more competition and no one really wants to hire a pregnant lady :-\ so i had to come back up to this small down disappointed and more stressed.

I still have my job. Thank god. And my co worker has been such a great help letting my son and i stay with her. Its not home but it will do until i find something for us. Which seems to be a challenge in itself because i cant find something in my price range with a short term lease.  I dont want a year lease because i dont want to stay up here more than i have to. I might move back to utah but i am still unsure about that.

I figure the best thing for me to do is wait till i have the girls to move that way i am not so stressed and causing them stress and that way i can lift boxes and have the energy to do it all.

I sure do miss having a place to call home its been almost 6 months being unstable and the holidays are coming and i just want to be able to go home and feel relaxed, feel whole, feel like i am home. I want to decorate. I want my son to know what home is.. I hate switching places all the time.

It would be nice if i had my family's support. I think its because i chose to do adoption and they look down on me. I dont care anymore... It just makes me feel like blood really doesnt matter because pretty much my whole life its been strangers or friends who have helped me in time of need. Family doesnt have to be blood and my life is living proof of that.

After i have these girls i think my life will change. I will be a lot wiser, stronger, and i wont put up with anyones shit. I feel once these babies are born i will also be reborn into someone new. And anyone who wants to judge me or try to break me will get a very rude awakening because i will be on the top this go around.

As for the adoptive parents i feel like they have been the parents i have been needing in this time in my life since my parents seemed to check out a long time ago. Pace and nichole (the adoptive parents) have given me guidence, emotional support, financial support, and given me strength and they always keep lifting me up when i fall. Me Giving them two beautiful little girls makes me happy. I know that they to will have such amazing people always in their lives to love and guide them through trials and error. They are gonna be amazing parents. I am glad i can give them something in return for helping me get through this stage in my life.

So for now i will stay where i am at and keep looking for something to get settled into before the holidays and keep moving forward and try to stay positive as much as i want to just run away. I will keep trying thats all i can do.