Head Spinning

*sigh* I don't even know where to begin.

I didn't think I would be in the spot I am in today.. Trials and Tribulations over and over again. When does it end? Why does life have to be hard? I think a lot of my problems come from not having a good relationship with my parents. They both haven't really been there for me emotionally throughout my whole life and they still aren't there for me today. They don't call to see how I am doing. They don't call to see how their grandson is doing. It breaks my heart and makes me angry to know that they don't want to put in the effort still to this day. They go weeks or months without making any contact with me. It makes me wonder sometimes if I died today what would they think and how would they feel for not being the parents that they could be.

My mom has been there for me in the past when I was underage but she still wasn't there emotionally maybe physically but emotionally there was always a space. She no longer is there for me and as for my dad he comes and goes.

I understand everyone has their own life to live but I am their child.. It doesn't make sense in my head. If I had their love and support and knew I did then maybe I wouldn't always be falling off the road i am on. As my son grows and the girls grow I am going to show them that I am always there and I am going to be there when they need me. I don't understand why my parents are still so far in their own problems they can't take the time for their children. I have tried to make the effort and tried to see how they are doing but I never get it back.. I give up.


It just really sucks to think the people who brought me into this world don't care enough to make sure I am doing ok.. When I need them the most they are never there. I have tried to express to them how I feel but my words go unheard. When the people who gave me life don't seem to care it makes it extremely difficult for me to even want to be here on the planet.

Knowing that my girls will have both a mother and father who love them and will guide them and support them and keep them out of harms way makes me happy. Children are smarter when they have both mom and dad in their life helping them get through the trials and errors.

As for me I guess I will continue to do what I got to do and try to be happy once again and maybe one day the hole in my heart of my parents not being there will get patched or filled with something else... maybe it wont. Time can only tell..

I guess I made it this far without them who needs them now..

Life does not get better by chance.. It gets better by change.

So here I am again in the same situation that I am always going to put be in with my sons dad.. I have to let it go I can no longer show him or tell him that things are different. I have to keep moving a long and can no longer be slowed down. I have a big life to live and things to accomplish and I don't need anyone getting in my way or making me feel like crap. Time for change once again.

Well little girls I am feeling you a bunch today and it makes me so happy to feel you kicking around in there probably kicking each other in the face or laying on top of each other trying to make more room.. Well its only going to get more crowed and you guys have a couple more months to cook in my belly before you decide to enter the world :) I can't wait to kiss your soft skin and love on you both. I want pictures of all of us together including your brother so I can make very cute scrapbook.

The holidays are coming and it only makes me more anxious to meet you two and eat some yummy food :D

Well little ones I love you so much and I am glad you both are growing so well. I am going to make an apt with the doc on Monday to see when the next time I go in to see you beautiful girls and make sure everything is okay..

I am going to go take a bath now because my lower back is killing me and hopefully the warm water helps I hope you guys enjoy it as well! Love you my babies <3

Heavy thoughts.

I know how excited the adoptive parents are to parent the girls but I have a few concerns that are creeping up on me. Will they keep their word on how I am going to stay involved with the girls?

This really worries me because this is not an easy decision to make adopting them out. I want to have all my children with me that's any mothers logic. I want to raise my children and watch them grow and go through all those moments with them. I am getting more attached to these little girls as time goes on and I just wonder how the hell am I going to go through with this and be okay? How can I trust that they will let me see and be involved with the girls without the parents feeling like I am intruding? I have debated on keeping one baby and letting them parent the other.. but everyone says to keep them together.. Ughh.. so many things, so many emotions, I hate it... I hate that I got myself into this predicament and I often blame myself and feel like I will feel a lifetime of heartache because the decision I made 5-6 months ago.

Any mother wants her babies and no mother wants to give her babies to someone else.. even mothers who aren't fit to be mothers wont make the sacrifice. I know I am a good mom and I HATE that if I kept them I would be putting all my kids through struggle and unhappiness. It really saddens me that mothers who are drug addicts and mothers who can't protect, provide, and love their children keep them. Its selfish that they can't admit that they can't take care of their children. Most kids grow up in unstable households, a lot are abused, neglected, mistreated. Why do you think we have so many bad people in this world? Its because they weren't raised right. They weren't protected. They were abused. Anyway I will save that rant for another blog.

I know some days will be harder than others and I am just hoping for the best. I am going to be involved in the girls lives as much as I can be. I am going to try and stay positive and hope for the best and let the heavens take care of the rest!

Happiness Vs Sadness

   I am so excited to see the adoptive mother become a mom finally. I could only imagine the pain, trials, and tears she has gone through the last 8 years of infertility. I am happy to see her grow as a parent and watch her raise our little girls! I have an over whelming feeling of joy and happiness when I think about how everything is going to work out. I have become close with her and she is an amazing woman of many talents. She has the warmest caring eyes I have ever seen.

   I have looked into aura colors and we found out that she is a blue. Blues are the most giving and nurturing out of all the aura colors. They are the motherly color. Blues value relationships and spirituality above all else. They are the best givers. Blues live from their heart and they are the loving caretakers on the planet. If you want to know more about blues read this book " Life Colors" by Pamala Oslie

   This also made my decision a little bit easier knowing the blue aura color and what they are about. Yes its going to be a very happy time for her in her life and I am glad I can give it to her. It will be sad for me knowing what I have to do and try and keep strong throughout this whole process. What hurts me is they wont know me as "mom" at least not for a long while. It is her happiness and my sadness.

   I am giving someone happiness while I may suffer some sadness for awhile or forever. I know time will ease the pain and I know I will always be happy for my little girls in the life they will live. What is really sad is I can't give them the life they deserve. I cant provide for them and still be a mother and give them the time and dedication they deserve. My son I have now barely gets any of my time because I work a full time job trying to support us and pay the bills. His father and I have been through a rough patch and it really has taken a toll on us and on our son. His father has been trying to find a job but the town we live in doesn't have very many opportunities.

    So right now the weight is on my shoulders and being pregnant doesn't make it easier. I can be very emotional at times and just cry because I need to let out my frustrations and pain. I am trying very hard to make a life for our family and it hasn't been easy. I guess the good things don't come easily. I know we will make it through this and I know one day I will be in a place where I want to be and I will be happy again. Right now I can't complain I am doing the best I can and I have support from my sons grandparents. They are letting us stay there so I can save a couple checks to get into my own place once again. I will be forever grateful for them helping me out it really does mean a lot and I am planning on doing something very special for them to show them my appreciation for doing what they have done for me since I met their son.

   I really don't know how everything will play out I just hope I can stay strong and not regret making this decision for my little girls. I have picked such an amazing couple and I am growing closer to them everyday. They want me to be involved with the girls as much as I would like to be and I am going to be as much as I can. The adoptive mom and I talk everyday and she is like my best friend. She is really the only one I have opened up to about my feelings about everything since I chosen them to parent the girls.

   Its going to be a very bitter sweet thing and I can't wait to hold these little girls and give them all the kisses in the world. I am so happy for the adoptive mother to be able to do that as well! I can't wait.. we need to plan girl days with each other :D

   Happiness Vs Sadness I wonder which will prevail at the very end.. I am betting on Happiness.

Parts of My Heart

   I am almost at starting point of a new journey in my life and it feels like walking into a dark room not knowing what feelings may overcome you. I weigh out the pros I weigh out the cons. I feel the greatness in how this new journey in my life will benefit not only them and I but what will benefit everyone. I feel love, trust, respect, and like family with people I have just merely met. I am sharing parts of my heart. I have chosen open adoption.

  Adoption in my eyes is a wonderful act of kindness bestowed upon another woman who cannot bear children. Its a wonderful act of kindness to bestow upon a dad that is ready to be a dad as well. I would also like to point out how much of a blessing you are giving to another couple. Another couple who has the time to parent, love and nurture a child. Who can give them the time, dedication, commitment, and stability the child deserves.

   I know a lot of people see adoption as giving your baby up and I would like to say to you people that your wrong. It is not "giving up" your child its "giving them more." Giving them the best. Giving them more people who will love them. Looking out for their best interest. Looking out for your best interest. Blessing another family who can't make a family on their own. Sharing special pieces of your heart.

   Adoption can really be such a beautiful thing for the people involved. No, its not easy for anyone especially the birth mom which is me in this case. It was not a glorified time in my life at the time I decided adoption would be the better road to go down. I tumbled with it for a while and it ate me up inside. There was many many tears, hopelessness, guiltiness and depressed days and nights. That's all I thought about and I was a zombie with everything going on in my life and with the decisions I had to think about to make because I know that time is very limited.

   I am pregnant with twin girls who happen to be identical and very active inside my belly and who are growing under my heart but most importantly in my heart. I have a son who I absolutely adore and have unconditional love for. He makes my day everyday and I just love to kiss his chubby cheeks and squeeze him so tight. He is growing and learning so fast I feel like I just had him yesterday. I already know what it takes and what it is like to become a mother and its the best feeling in the world!

   I have finally come to a peace of mind with this decision. I have met two great people who I feel in my heart will take care of these two little girls and give them a life that I wouldn't be able to full fill and I am not scared to admit it to myself. I feel in my heart the love, joy and happiness this new journey has in store for me. I often think to myself about how great these little girls are going to turn out and how happy they will be. I often catch myself smiling and feeling proud. Yes, its going to hurt knowing they won't be calling me mommy and I won't get to be with them everyday but that's something I am going to have to ease through time and that's because I am making this very decision.

   I know everything is going to be okay and the girls will see how great their Mom and Dad are going to be. I know they will love their Mom and Dad very much because I know Mom and Dad are going to take good care of them. I hope they can understand one day why I chose this decision and be grateful for the way their lives turned out. I will always be in their lives and be here for whenever they may need me. I will still have a relationship with them. Not my girls but our girls...

   Soon to be Mom and Dad I hope your ready to embrace the gifts these children will bring to your life. Get ready to have little ones running around causing you grief, getting into everything, making messes, a bunch of snuggles, worthwhile moments, lessons, trial and errors, love and most importantly HAPPINESS!