So its been three weeks since I had the girls and it has been a tough. I will just start crying and feeling sorry for myself and how everything played out. A part of me wishes I had made a plan to keep the girls and I wish that I had the help that I needed. I know with all the doctors appointments and all the time I had to leave work to look for a place and get settled didn't help me out. No mother wants to part from her children.. and sometimes I feel like a bad mom for making the decision that I did.
I am glad that I gave Pace and Nichole the opportunity to finally be parents I really am. I am just a little bittersweet about it. But I know if I kept them not only would it be a struggle for me to keep supporting my children with my only income.. it would be a struggle for them and they would not have the opportunity for many things in life that Pace and Nichole can fulfill for them.
I just get scared cause I wont have any rights over Chloe and Araya and it just scares me that Pace and Nichole might change how they act when everything is said and done. I don't think they would do that but its still a fear I have. They really have been good hearted and loving towards me I just hope everything will still be the same if not better.
The girls will have a blessed life with their Mommy and Daddy and that's all I want for them. I also want them to know who I am and I hope they don't hate me as they grow older cause that will only kill me. I hope one day they will totally understand and feel peace in their hearts knowing why I had to do what I did.
After seeing them and holding them I fell in love instantly just like I did with my son. I will forever love them and be in their lives as much as I can be and as much as the girls would like me to be. This has been a hard week being away from them. I get to see them on Thanksgiving I am super excited. It will make my heart feel a little better being able to be with them.
I hope this gets easier in time.. I am ready to feel peace in my heart.. but it seems like its going to be awhile before that happens.
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