Well we found out the results of the father and it was what I thought and what I knew during my pregnancy. When Nichole told me the results I just lost it for a second my stomach dropped and my head started to spin. I wish it could have been a little different so that way I could completely forget about the birth father.. But his memory will live on in my mind and heart. He is the father of our two beautiful twin girls how could I ever forget him now? He has been ready since the day I found out I was pregnant to "get rid of" the problem.. Which I am glad I never went down that path. He is ready to sign his rights which will be this weekend.. This really hurts my heart to know that he doesn't even want to see what they look like or want to go and actually hold them but I knew that was never an option for him. That's something I have accepted but it still stings.
I am suppose to sign over my rights as well this weekend and I just want to say my heart will never be ready to do that.. but I have to do what I need to do so everyone can move on and live their lives. I will always feel this pain in my heart not raising my two beautiful daughters. I think about how much I am going to miss out on.. and it really just makes me want to cry every time I think about it. I love them so much and I haven't really even had time to hold them or bond with them before I sign over my rights. Some people say it would be harder to do that if you spend more time with them.. But for me if I can't see them or hold them its going to be way harder signing over cause I am left with "wonder".
I am taking a leap of faith in Nichole and Pace to see how everything plays out and to see if we really are going to be one big happy family like we all have spoke of this year. I have to trust them with what they have told me they will do. I love Nichole and Pace and I am happy they finally get to be parents. I have eased their pain and now I will feel pain probably for the rest of my life, which that is a choice I made and have to live with. I know the girls will be absolutely loved and taken care of. They will have FAMILY there for them and I think that's super important.
Today I have an apt with an Attorney to find out basically what all the paperwork means.. So after today I have to prepare for what's to come. I hope that god know what he is doing there must be a bigger plan for me then I realize right now. I just hope I find out soon what this all means and where this is all leading me to.
As for the birth father I will be bonded to him through the girls for the rest of my life. I hope he finds it in his heart sometime in his life to make contact with our girls and to see how beautiful they are. I know the girls will want to know who he is one day and I hope he is around so they can know him. My heart is spread in many places right now so I guess I need to find the pieces and put it back together.
No comments:
Post a Comment