Heavy thoughts.

I know how excited the adoptive parents are to parent the girls but I have a few concerns that are creeping up on me. Will they keep their word on how I am going to stay involved with the girls?

This really worries me because this is not an easy decision to make adopting them out. I want to have all my children with me that's any mothers logic. I want to raise my children and watch them grow and go through all those moments with them. I am getting more attached to these little girls as time goes on and I just wonder how the hell am I going to go through with this and be okay? How can I trust that they will let me see and be involved with the girls without the parents feeling like I am intruding? I have debated on keeping one baby and letting them parent the other.. but everyone says to keep them together.. Ughh.. so many things, so many emotions, I hate it... I hate that I got myself into this predicament and I often blame myself and feel like I will feel a lifetime of heartache because the decision I made 5-6 months ago.

Any mother wants her babies and no mother wants to give her babies to someone else.. even mothers who aren't fit to be mothers wont make the sacrifice. I know I am a good mom and I HATE that if I kept them I would be putting all my kids through struggle and unhappiness. It really saddens me that mothers who are drug addicts and mothers who can't protect, provide, and love their children keep them. Its selfish that they can't admit that they can't take care of their children. Most kids grow up in unstable households, a lot are abused, neglected, mistreated. Why do you think we have so many bad people in this world? Its because they weren't raised right. They weren't protected. They were abused. Anyway I will save that rant for another blog.

I know some days will be harder than others and I am just hoping for the best. I am going to be involved in the girls lives as much as I can be. I am going to try and stay positive and hope for the best and let the heavens take care of the rest!