Aches

Today when i woke up my feelings were telling me something was up.. Something wasnt right. It started when i finally got out of bed and got out the door on my way to take my son to his dads. I showed up and he didnt look or act the way he usually does. He had a friend there and his friend wasnt friendly towards me at all.. My sons dad wasnt being himself.

So i left mason with his dad so i could get to work and the feeling got worse..i started asking questions on what i think it might be and just get yelled at for asking.

While i am at work i notice my stress level and my stomach tightening and pain in my back so i decided to go pick up my son because i knew something wasnt right with his dad and i didnt feel comfortable
Leaving him with his dad while i went to the hospitial to get checked out to make sure i wasnt contracting.

So i pick my son up take him to the person whom i am living with and go to the er. Turns out i was having contractions and man do those ache..they gve me medcine to stop them. I was there for 5 hours and while i was there thinking got the best of me once again. I realized i was alone..

This pregnancy has been totally different than my first and thats from the very get go. The guy who got me pregnant wrote me off completely after i decided not to go through with the abortion. He was someone who i thought cared. He was someone who i thought was my friend. He was someone who i thought would stay around. Thats what i get for thinking.

My sons dad has tried to be there for me but i hurt him. I have been trying for 5 months to fix our open wounds we have sliced upon each other and today i am closing them. I can no longer hurt him or i trying to fix our relationship.. Today he wouldnt let me through his door. He wouldnt even open it to talk to me. Now i have my suspicions on why he wouldnt open it and why his friend answered his phone..my instincts tell me something isnt right.. He wanted me to leave and my sons dad would have let me in, he would have talked to me. It only makes me realize that this time the door is really shut between us..

My heart, my mind, and my body aches.. Today was the day his heart finally closed off from mine. I know my mistakes and i know i tried he might not think so. I tried to pick up the broken pieces but didnt seem to have help instead i was just making more. My heart is broken once again.

Looking at our pictures of our family and pictures of him and i when we were happy and complete is making my heart bleed of pain. I can remember how i use to feel for him and never thought we would seperate. I was so grateful and would tell him often how lucky i was to have him. Thinking of the good times is filling my heart with pain because i know ill never get those back. I cant hold back my tears any longer as they all falling from my eyes like rain tonight.

We made a family and thats something my heart has always wanted since growing up in a dysfunctinal home myself. I wanted a family for my son so bad and feel like a failure cause our family is broken.  I know this isnt going to be easy on my heart but the time has come. I wish him nothing but happiness and i hope he finds exactly what he is looking for  i wish him luck..

No i am not okay but i guess i will pretend i am.

My heart is heavy  and my mind is dense...Tonight i ache..tomorrow i wish to be numb