How to fill the holes in my heart...

My breakdowns have been coming less now but it doesn't stop my mind from wandering.. Especially when I see pictures of the girls.. They look so much like me/my son/the birth father.. and so  many things just run through my head.. It still pains my heart seeing the girls and knowing that I cant be there with them..

I sit here and wonder.. maybe I could have found a way to take care of them.. maybe I could have gone through the struggles and made my family strong.. Maybe I could have been in their lives and been the mother I wanted to be. They say if there is a will there is a way.. and I just wish I would have done it differently. I want to be their Mom I really do.. maybe it would have made me a stronger mother to keep all my children..

I chose adoption because I was alone and doing everything on my own.. and I had no help from the father.. and I could bless a family who couldn't have children. So I was left with "how am I going to make a good life for not only the girls but for my son as well" I am only 20 years old and have a whole life to live some days I wish I didn't have a whole life to live... but now I am left with.. What am I going to do the rest of my life? Who will I become? What will I do? Will I just stay the same and not go anywhere? Because if that is the case I could have kept my girls...

I am still struggling to let go of the birth father.. He keeps coming into my mind and I just wonder how he could have been so cold? I know we both made a mistake.. and ugh I just wish I could forget about him.. but I can't and I don't think I ever will.. Yes time will make it easier to forget and I can only count on that.

I feel like I am missing pieces of myself and I don't know what to do to try and fill the holes.. I can drink my sorrow away for one night and then be left in the same spot I was in the morning.. Nothing helps right now... I often look up in the sky and wonder.. where will I be 5 years from now? What am I suppose to do now? Live life like everyone else? Or go out there and make something of myself... I don't even know who I want to be.. I feel lost and I just feel like I am going with the flow of everything but it doesn't feel right to me... nothing really does anymore.

My sons Dad and I have been putting our family back together and that does help me a little bit. It has been nice to have him there with me.. when I am upset he is there to hug me and tell me everything is ok. I don't know how I am going to live my life without my girls..I just cant seem to wake up from this dream... I wish I could go back in time and restart my whole life..

I am glad I brought happiness to Pace and Nichole.. I don't regret that.. but I didn't know how bad it would hurt me to not be in the girl's lives as much as I would like to be.. I am just waiting for time to heal me.. but who knows if it ever will...

Everyone says how brave and nobel I am for choosing what I chose.. but honestly I feel like a coward for not  taking the risk to raise my own children..

The deed is done.

Papers to sign my consent were signed yesterday. I finally feel closure to the birth father and I can move on. I feel a sense of peace in my heart in mind now. I know how great of a life the girls will live and how great of a family they will have and it really keeps me at peace. I had a rough time a couple weeks after birth and didn't think I could do this but I did. Everyday is a chance for me to make something of myself.

I feel like great things are coming my way and I feel like I have a brand new life and a second chance. It feels great.

I love Pace and Nichole very much and I am glad the hard part is over. Now we all can move forward together with open arms and open hearts. This year I thought was the worst year of my life but I turned it into something completely amazing. I have a new family, new hopes, new dreams and a life I will be proud of someday :)

Aahhh... The moment I have been waiting for all year...

Peace in my heart and mind alas!

<333

Ready or not

Well we found out the results of the father and it was what I thought and what I knew during my pregnancy. When Nichole told me the results I just lost it for a second my stomach dropped and my head started to spin. I wish it could have been a little different so that way I could completely forget about the birth father.. But his memory will live on in my mind and heart. He is the father of our two beautiful twin girls how could I ever forget him now? He has been ready since the day I found out I was pregnant to "get rid of" the problem.. Which I am glad I never went down that path. He is ready to sign his rights which will be this weekend.. This really hurts my heart to know that he doesn't even want to see what they look like or want to go and actually hold them but I knew that was never an option for him. That's something I have accepted but it still stings.

I am suppose to sign over my rights as well this weekend and I just want to say my heart will never be ready to do that.. but I have to do what I need to do so everyone can move on and live their lives. I will always feel this pain in my heart not raising my two beautiful daughters. I think about how much I am going to miss out on.. and it really just makes me want to cry every time I think about it. I love them so much and I haven't really even had time to hold them or bond with them before I sign over my rights. Some people say it would be harder to do that if you spend more time with them.. But for me if I can't see them or hold them its going to be way harder signing over cause I am left with "wonder".

I am taking a leap of faith in Nichole and Pace to see how everything plays out and to see if we really are going to be one big happy family like we all have spoke of this year. I have to trust them with what they have told me they will do. I love Nichole and Pace and I am happy they finally get to be parents. I have eased their pain and now I will feel pain probably for the rest of my life, which that is a choice I made and have to live with. I know the girls will be absolutely loved and taken care of. They will have FAMILY there for them and I think that's super important.

Today I have an apt with an Attorney to find out basically what all the paperwork means.. So after today I have to prepare for what's to come. I hope that god know what he is doing there must be a bigger plan for me then I realize right now. I just hope I find out soon what this all means and where this is all leading me to.

As for the birth father I will be bonded to him through the girls for the rest of my life.  I hope he finds it in his heart sometime in his life to make contact with our girls and to see how beautiful they are. I know the girls will want to know who he is one day and I hope he is around so they can know him.  My heart is spread in many places right now so I guess I need to find the pieces and put it back together.

Whats best put before my heart

So its been three weeks since I had the girls and it has been a tough. I will just start crying and feeling sorry for myself and how everything played out. A part of me wishes I had made a plan to keep the girls and I wish that I had the help that I needed. I know with all the doctors appointments and all the time I had to leave work to look for a place and get settled didn't help me out. No mother wants to part from her children.. and sometimes I feel like a bad mom for making the decision that I did.

I am glad that I gave Pace and Nichole the opportunity to finally be parents I really am. I am just a little bittersweet about it. But I know if I kept them not only would it be a struggle for me to keep supporting my children with my only income.. it would be a struggle for them and they would not have the opportunity for many things in life that Pace and Nichole can fulfill for them.

I just get scared cause I wont have any rights over Chloe and Araya and it just scares me that Pace and Nichole might change how they act when everything is said and done. I don't think they would do that but its still a fear I have. They really have been good hearted and loving towards me I just hope everything will still be the same if not better.

The girls will have a blessed life with their Mommy and Daddy and that's all I want for them. I also want them to know who I am and I hope they don't hate me as they grow older cause that will only kill me. I hope one day they will totally understand and feel peace in their hearts knowing why I had to do what I did.

After seeing them and holding them I fell in love instantly just like I did with my son. I will forever love them and be in their lives as much as I can be and as much as the girls would like me to be. This has been a hard week being away from them. I get to see them on Thanksgiving I am super excited. It will make my heart feel a little better being able to be with them.

I hope this gets easier in time.. I am ready to feel peace in my heart.. but it seems like its going to be awhile before that happens.

Nov 11, 2013. Happy birthday baby girls.

The day has come the baby girls are here. I came into thr hospital the night before. I was having contractions. So when i got to the hospital they did and ultrasound and baby b (araya) had not even 1cm of fluid around her. So they continued to monitor me throughtout the night and did another ultrasound in the morning and we still got the same results. So the doctor said that i needed to be delivered. It had to be c section because they didnt want to put any of the babies under stress and didnt want to deliver me both ways just in case one came out fine and the other one doesnt. I would almost rather a c section over a vaginal birth because it seems like less pain when I stand up and I can pee and poo better than the last time i gave birth to my little man.

So by 2 o clock i was in the OR room ready to be cut into. I was scared but i got through it. One of the nurses was great help he calmed my nerves. So baby A Chloe Elizabeth born at 2:08 pm weighing 3lbs 5oz and baby B Araya Mae born at 2:09 pm weighing 2lbs 8oz. Nichole and I automatically started crying once we seen our baby girls!

Once I got sew up I couldn't see the girls for a couple hours because I was in the recovery room being watched to make sure everything was fine. I was so anxious to get up there and see our beautiful daughters. While I was at the hospital I got to hold them one time and that was so special for me to bond with them even though it was for such a short time. Its gonna be hard to leave them. I already thought it was hard to leave them there at the hospital when I got discharged. I just want to love on them and hold them before I go back home.. they are such blessings.

Nichole and Pace are happy they are here but it still hasn't set in yet that they are parents. Not until the girls get home I think it won't set in. The girls are doing great they both have a little bit of support for breathing and have tubes going down their throats into their bellys to feed them but they haven't been feeding them yet. I think once they start the feeding the girls will start improving a lot faster and be home in no time.

I love them so much and I am glad they made it here and are doing well. A part of me is always going to feel missing while i am away from them but I know how amazing Nichole and Pace are going to take care of them. I love Nichole and Pace so much for being on this journey with me and I thank god for placing everything in its place to get to where we are today.

I now have a big loving family and its all because Araya and Chloe being here on this earth. Baby girls your so amazing and I love you both so very much.

So little time left

So I got flown to the valley because I was in preterm labor at 31 weeks. I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days and it wasn't easy staying there with the horrible food and the nurses bugging me every time the babies went of the monitor and constantly laying on my back. They also had magnesium running into my veins and that crap is NO FUN! I had to do an amniotic reduction where they stick a needle in your belly to reduce the fluid in the babys sac. I was terrified of a big needle going into my belly and scared that it might hurt the girls or might not even work.. But I have a great doctor and he did a good job and the procedure wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be. Whew.. I was glad when it was over.. I had to get that procedure done because the twins have twin to twin transfusion.. It basically means that they aren't sharing the way they should be. Baby b was giving baby a all her nutrients and fluid and I think maybe thats because baby b knows baby a has a heart problem. Well after they reduced the fluid I was no longer contracting and i closed up my cervix a little bit. So i finally got released Saturday. THANK GOD!

The doctor still doesn't want me to return home so I have been staying in the valley at Pace and Nichole's house.. and I don't mind being here and getting to know them and spending more time with them but i haven't seen my son in a week now and i feel so stressed and I don't feel complete. I miss my lil guy so much and have been having to stress about his father taking care of him and taking care of my apartment. I can't go back to work and thats very stressful thing to think about because I am the only income. Thank goodness I have Pace and Nichole they understand my situation and are willing to help me out when I get back to get back on track.. They have been completely supportive of me and have been making my life a lot easier to deal with.

So my doctor suggested that we deliver these girls in two weeks.. I will be 34 weeks. Man I can't tell you how scared I am getting and a little concerned with how hard its going to be leaving and going home without them… I haven't really wanted to think about it and I just hope i am not a complete wreck when the time comes.. I hope Nichole doesn't get annoyed with how much I will be asking about them or wanting TONS of pictures. Cause I am gonna need them to soothe my heart and to know they are okay. Which I know they will be but man i just don't know how everything will be.. I am gonna need a bottle of booze after this one to calm my nerves and my thoughts.

I know these girls are gonna have such great parents that will give them the best life they can give them. I am excited for Nichole and Pace to finally have their dream come true. Knowing how I am affecting their lives by making this decision makes it easier for me to do this. Nichole has become like my big sister that i never had and I am so excited for her to become a mommy and know the love for a child(s). She is gonna be great at it and I wouldn't want anyone else to parent these babies but them. Pace is going to become all soft being in a house full of girls! Feel sorry for that guy when menstral cycles come around lol. I am sure he doesn't mind those girls will be the apple of his eye and that warms my heart because I never had a father growing up watching over me or never had the opportunity to be a "Daddys girl" and it makes me so happy knowing that they will have a stable father who will always be there for them.

I have to think of what I want the girls to call me.. Nichole suggested "Mama Nikki" i think thats a good one.. I was more thinking of "BABY MAMA" (lmao inside joke) maybe to make it even cuter "Mama kiki" :)

Bottom line is these girls will have so many people there for them. They are going to be well taken care of and there will be no question about it. Yes I know its probably going to really hard for me to leave without all my babies and its going to get me somedays but at the end of the day I know that i made the right decision and I know Nichole and Pace are going to do a great job with them. I am honored to bestow two beautiful little blessings upon them.

Breaking Free

FINALLY!! The moment I have been waiting for!! I got a house for my son and I. Its a small 2 bed 1 bath but it will do the job. We finally have a home and I am so excited to move in and decorate for the holidays!!

I had a such a good week spending time with Nichole it was a nice break from the town I live in and from work. She had such a good turn out for her baby shower and got so many cute things for the girls. There was lots of tears, love, and happiness it was a real good time. I left the shower feeling full of life and love. I feel like I have broken free from my unhappiness and sorrow. I have moved on from my old life and I am on new journey with amazing people! My heart is filled with so much love and gratitude for every moment leading up to here. Ahh. I can breathe.. I can feel... I can be me once again and not have to worry about having another person to satisfy other than my son.

Nichole and Pace have truly helped me heal through this tough time in my life and they have given me support, love and guidance. I am so happy for them to have these little girls the baby shower was so emotional I think I seen Pace tear up a little bit. I am glad they liked my gift. It was vinyl décor that you can put on your walls and I made "Chloe" and "Araya" and I wrote a saying that said "From God's Arms, Nurtured within me, and Placed in your hearts forever" It made the whole room cry..I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction from everyone but I am glad that everyone felt the love I put into those words. What a wonderful day it was.

Nichole tried so hard not to cry but she couldn't hold back. She has such a tender loving heart she is amazing. My son and I were sad to leave. I miss them already. I really do feel like they have made me part of the family..and when the girls get here it will only be that much more like family. I hope I see them soon they have to come check out my new place.

What a great week. I hope from now on it just gets better from here :D