Almost a year!

Its been almost a year since the girl's birth. Holy cow! Where did time go? They are so damn adorable its unbearable!  And they look so happy in the pictures. I can't wait to see them on their birthday!

After their birthday Miss Sophie will be born and maybe I will feel normal again! How do some women have 12 kids?! I couldn't bear to be pregnant that many times! Pregnancy is a lot of work and a lot of hormones I don't know if I am crazy half the time or just pregnant?

I am still working on getting my life put together and somedays it doesn't feel like its getting anywhere.  I was looking at some pictures of the girls when they were new and just a couple months old and I couldn't help but remember what it felt like to let them go. It brings tears to my eyes everytime. A part of me will always be sad but overall I know what I did was right at the time and still is right now.

I hope they are getting everything they need and more! Which I am sure they are!  They deserve every bit of it.

So does Mason and Sophie and I am trying super hard to make a life where the three of us will feel loved, protected, and at home.

I feel like I am not doing a good enough job a lot of the times when I feel like I am trying my best. I have a lot of regrets and sorrow I carry on my shoulders and I feel it truly holds me back.  I am trying so hard to get my life figured out, settled and secured but nothing feels right anymore. I try one thing and then the next and I just can't seem to get a handle on things because if it doesn't feel right I have a hard time coping with it and a hard time trying to make it feel okay when I know its not going to work out in the end.

I try to be a good mother to Mason but a lot of the time I feel like I am not giving him what he deserves. Now I have a little girl on the way and I am only praying and hoping everything will be fine after she is born. I am praying for peace. I am praying for love. I am praying for wholeness again.

Somedays, I get super depressed and wonder... "will I ever be truly happy?" I feel like I don't even know my own life but most importantly I feel I don't even know myself anymore.

"Where did you go Nikki?" Oh ya I know where she went. She is hiding in a shell trying to mend her broken heart. A lot of things have changed me and shook me up in the last two years and the only person to blame is myself.

No one really knows how bad I am bleeding. Some days are more than others but I really feel like I have lost it all. A part of me wants to get saved by some miracle and be taken to a new place, with new faces, better opportunities, a place where I can feel at peace, a place where i can feel at home.

I guess everyone is fighting their own battle and my battle is not more important than anyone else's.  Its just been hard going through my hardships alone. Well not completely alone Mason has always been here by my side but he has no other option. I hate that I am a wreck most of the time and I feel he senses it.

It would be nice to have a extremely legit friend who I can confide in without being judged and who I felt really cared. I haven't felt like really anyone has cared. I see all these people have friends and family who love and support them and I have me who supports me and tries to love myself as best as I can but I think I have fallen out of love with who I really am. Call it deprivation of love from everyone who says they care but have no way of showing it. Its being let down time and time again and having to pick myself up, wipe my tears away, and staying strong for Mason. If he wasn't born I probably would be in the darkest shadows of depression and silence that makes your head spin.

Sometimes I wonder when my time will be up and who will be at my funeral.  I often think that hardly anyone will be there.. I guess none of it matters.

I stay strong because that's the only option I give myself. I have to. I have children to rasie and guide in this world. It may be chaotic at times and I may break down, feel alone, and feel unloved but I got to make sure my children never feel that way. Easier said than done but I am going to try. If all else fails at least I know that I tried.

Almost 9 months

Its crazy how my life has turned out since I had the girls. It seems like a part of me died when I had to leave them. The only emotion I ever feel is when I think about the adoption its really the only thing that can make me cry. I feel like a part of me died because how painful it was and how painful it still is sometimes and how it affects my daily life. I don't laugh like I use to.. I don't smile as I use to.. I don't feel anything.. its like I shut myself off and shut everyone out. I know its something I will have to fix but I don't know where to start to fix it.

All I know is how I feel isn't right and hasn't been for a very long time. I wish I knew how to be happy again. I wish I knew how to let go and live my life.. but I don't.

What's wrong with me?

Growing up

It is so amazing to see the girls grow and learn. Pace and Nichole seem to be having a blast :) and I feel so good about what I did.

When I seen them a couple weeks ago I felt so good just seeing them be a family and how happy the girls are. I am glad i did what I did.

The adoption still stings my heart sometimes I have to be honest.. and sometimes I wonder where I would be if I kept them but how it all played out seemed to be the very best outcome.

I just hope one day I will get to bond with my girls at least before I die.

People have no idea

I am so tired of people who don't like me throwing the adoption in my face. No one knows the pain I had to go through and still have to go through because of it. I did what I had to do.  So who are they to judge me?

Trust me if I could have kept my girls I WOULD HAVE. There was no way I could keep them unless I wanted them to have a less of a life because I couldnt provide for them. And those girls deserve the best. So that's what I gave them.  I gave them the best life that they will have.

And believe me there are days I wish I just would have gone through the struggle because of the emptiness I feel. It sucks not being able to see them when I want and it sucks to miss out on all the little moments. Dont think that my pain is gone when I placed them with their family.

People who want to use this pain of mine against me... you have NO FUCKING CLUE what it takes to be this strong. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA how painful it is!

So before you throw it in my face and judge me look in a goddamn mirror your not perfect either!  And for you to use other peoples pain on them shows what kind of low self esteem you have of yourself that you have to kick other people to feel good about yourself..

Karma is a bitch and remember next time your down or you do something that will change your life... there will be someone pointing a finger at you laughing.

Feeling a little empty

Today I haven't been the greatest mood. I woke up feeling weird and I have been trying to make sense of why I am feeling the way I am. I have been trying to get through today and be happy because my life has been going ok but something is just pulling me the other direction.. I miss my baby girls.

I haven't had a breakdown for awhile so I am trying like hell not to let it happen but I think by the end of today it will. When I don't really hear from the adoptive mom that much and I don't ever hear from the adoptive dad it makes me sad.. When I was pregnant I thought our relationship would continue after the girls arrived but it has really not been the same.

I understand how busy they can be but a phone call, a text, or an email once in awhile to let me know how they are all doing would make me feel a lot better.. I did speak with the mom the other day but our convo was short but it is what it is.

Sometimes I just want to disappear from everyone and just go in the middle of no where and scream as loud as I can until I no longer scream and cry until I can't cry anymore. Days like today just drag and its like I am in a fog and I am just waiting for the air to clear..

I guess for now I will just distance myself more..

idk.. *sigh* the things that were once full just seem empty now.

Few and far in between

I visited the girls on Christmas and left with a peace of mind and a feeling of peace in my heart. That was the first time I seen them at home and so I think it made me feel a whole lot better knowing that they are home now and very well taken care of. Pace and Nichole looked very tired lol and I can only remember those days. I remember what it was like doing that with my son.

They look like parents now! Its great and their house feels wonderful and complete now. Nichole and Pace are very good with the girls. I knew they would be.

My relationship is still good with them. We don't talk as much but that's to be expected when they have such a busy life right now. Taking care of the girls and having a bunch of friends and family visiting those sweet little girls. It makes me sad in a way because I really miss talking to Nichole everyday. She is an amazing woman. She has helped me in so many ways with a lot of things.. She really did become my best friend during my pregnancy.

Pace is a good person as well.. He always gives the most constructive advice about things and makes me look at situations from different angles. They both have touched my heart in a way.

My breakdowns are few and far in between but when I do have them I just want to lay over and die.. I know that sounds a little harsh but its a heart wrenching feeling but as always I recover and get back to normal. I miss those little girls sometimes.. I wish we lived closer so that way I could just go see them and give them loves!

They really aren't going to know who I am.. I don't see them as much as I would like to but that's the way it has to be right now. I just hope one day they will come around and know that I love them so much.

For now I am trying to focus on where I want my life to go and raising my son. I am just trying to be happy. Even though everything is few and far in between right now.. it will all come together one day.. and I believe in that.

How to fill the holes in my heart...

My breakdowns have been coming less now but it doesn't stop my mind from wandering.. Especially when I see pictures of the girls.. They look so much like me/my son/the birth father.. and so  many things just run through my head.. It still pains my heart seeing the girls and knowing that I cant be there with them..

I sit here and wonder.. maybe I could have found a way to take care of them.. maybe I could have gone through the struggles and made my family strong.. Maybe I could have been in their lives and been the mother I wanted to be. They say if there is a will there is a way.. and I just wish I would have done it differently. I want to be their Mom I really do.. maybe it would have made me a stronger mother to keep all my children..

I chose adoption because I was alone and doing everything on my own.. and I had no help from the father.. and I could bless a family who couldn't have children. So I was left with "how am I going to make a good life for not only the girls but for my son as well" I am only 20 years old and have a whole life to live some days I wish I didn't have a whole life to live... but now I am left with.. What am I going to do the rest of my life? Who will I become? What will I do? Will I just stay the same and not go anywhere? Because if that is the case I could have kept my girls...

I am still struggling to let go of the birth father.. He keeps coming into my mind and I just wonder how he could have been so cold? I know we both made a mistake.. and ugh I just wish I could forget about him.. but I can't and I don't think I ever will.. Yes time will make it easier to forget and I can only count on that.

I feel like I am missing pieces of myself and I don't know what to do to try and fill the holes.. I can drink my sorrow away for one night and then be left in the same spot I was in the morning.. Nothing helps right now... I often look up in the sky and wonder.. where will I be 5 years from now? What am I suppose to do now? Live life like everyone else? Or go out there and make something of myself... I don't even know who I want to be.. I feel lost and I just feel like I am going with the flow of everything but it doesn't feel right to me... nothing really does anymore.

My sons Dad and I have been putting our family back together and that does help me a little bit. It has been nice to have him there with me.. when I am upset he is there to hug me and tell me everything is ok. I don't know how I am going to live my life without my girls..I just cant seem to wake up from this dream... I wish I could go back in time and restart my whole life..

I am glad I brought happiness to Pace and Nichole.. I don't regret that.. but I didn't know how bad it would hurt me to not be in the girl's lives as much as I would like to be.. I am just waiting for time to heal me.. but who knows if it ever will...

Everyone says how brave and nobel I am for choosing what I chose.. but honestly I feel like a coward for not  taking the risk to raise my own children..

The deed is done.

Papers to sign my consent were signed yesterday. I finally feel closure to the birth father and I can move on. I feel a sense of peace in my heart in mind now. I know how great of a life the girls will live and how great of a family they will have and it really keeps me at peace. I had a rough time a couple weeks after birth and didn't think I could do this but I did. Everyday is a chance for me to make something of myself.

I feel like great things are coming my way and I feel like I have a brand new life and a second chance. It feels great.

I love Pace and Nichole very much and I am glad the hard part is over. Now we all can move forward together with open arms and open hearts. This year I thought was the worst year of my life but I turned it into something completely amazing. I have a new family, new hopes, new dreams and a life I will be proud of someday :)

Aahhh... The moment I have been waiting for all year...

Peace in my heart and mind alas!

<333

Ready or not

Well we found out the results of the father and it was what I thought and what I knew during my pregnancy. When Nichole told me the results I just lost it for a second my stomach dropped and my head started to spin. I wish it could have been a little different so that way I could completely forget about the birth father.. But his memory will live on in my mind and heart. He is the father of our two beautiful twin girls how could I ever forget him now? He has been ready since the day I found out I was pregnant to "get rid of" the problem.. Which I am glad I never went down that path. He is ready to sign his rights which will be this weekend.. This really hurts my heart to know that he doesn't even want to see what they look like or want to go and actually hold them but I knew that was never an option for him. That's something I have accepted but it still stings.

I am suppose to sign over my rights as well this weekend and I just want to say my heart will never be ready to do that.. but I have to do what I need to do so everyone can move on and live their lives. I will always feel this pain in my heart not raising my two beautiful daughters. I think about how much I am going to miss out on.. and it really just makes me want to cry every time I think about it. I love them so much and I haven't really even had time to hold them or bond with them before I sign over my rights. Some people say it would be harder to do that if you spend more time with them.. But for me if I can't see them or hold them its going to be way harder signing over cause I am left with "wonder".

I am taking a leap of faith in Nichole and Pace to see how everything plays out and to see if we really are going to be one big happy family like we all have spoke of this year. I have to trust them with what they have told me they will do. I love Nichole and Pace and I am happy they finally get to be parents. I have eased their pain and now I will feel pain probably for the rest of my life, which that is a choice I made and have to live with. I know the girls will be absolutely loved and taken care of. They will have FAMILY there for them and I think that's super important.

Today I have an apt with an Attorney to find out basically what all the paperwork means.. So after today I have to prepare for what's to come. I hope that god know what he is doing there must be a bigger plan for me then I realize right now. I just hope I find out soon what this all means and where this is all leading me to.

As for the birth father I will be bonded to him through the girls for the rest of my life.  I hope he finds it in his heart sometime in his life to make contact with our girls and to see how beautiful they are. I know the girls will want to know who he is one day and I hope he is around so they can know him.  My heart is spread in many places right now so I guess I need to find the pieces and put it back together.

Whats best put before my heart

So its been three weeks since I had the girls and it has been a tough. I will just start crying and feeling sorry for myself and how everything played out. A part of me wishes I had made a plan to keep the girls and I wish that I had the help that I needed. I know with all the doctors appointments and all the time I had to leave work to look for a place and get settled didn't help me out. No mother wants to part from her children.. and sometimes I feel like a bad mom for making the decision that I did.

I am glad that I gave Pace and Nichole the opportunity to finally be parents I really am. I am just a little bittersweet about it. But I know if I kept them not only would it be a struggle for me to keep supporting my children with my only income.. it would be a struggle for them and they would not have the opportunity for many things in life that Pace and Nichole can fulfill for them.

I just get scared cause I wont have any rights over Chloe and Araya and it just scares me that Pace and Nichole might change how they act when everything is said and done. I don't think they would do that but its still a fear I have. They really have been good hearted and loving towards me I just hope everything will still be the same if not better.

The girls will have a blessed life with their Mommy and Daddy and that's all I want for them. I also want them to know who I am and I hope they don't hate me as they grow older cause that will only kill me. I hope one day they will totally understand and feel peace in their hearts knowing why I had to do what I did.

After seeing them and holding them I fell in love instantly just like I did with my son. I will forever love them and be in their lives as much as I can be and as much as the girls would like me to be. This has been a hard week being away from them. I get to see them on Thanksgiving I am super excited. It will make my heart feel a little better being able to be with them.

I hope this gets easier in time.. I am ready to feel peace in my heart.. but it seems like its going to be awhile before that happens.

Nov 11, 2013. Happy birthday baby girls.

The day has come the baby girls are here. I came into thr hospital the night before. I was having contractions. So when i got to the hospital they did and ultrasound and baby b (araya) had not even 1cm of fluid around her. So they continued to monitor me throughtout the night and did another ultrasound in the morning and we still got the same results. So the doctor said that i needed to be delivered. It had to be c section because they didnt want to put any of the babies under stress and didnt want to deliver me both ways just in case one came out fine and the other one doesnt. I would almost rather a c section over a vaginal birth because it seems like less pain when I stand up and I can pee and poo better than the last time i gave birth to my little man.

So by 2 o clock i was in the OR room ready to be cut into. I was scared but i got through it. One of the nurses was great help he calmed my nerves. So baby A Chloe Elizabeth born at 2:08 pm weighing 3lbs 5oz and baby B Araya Mae born at 2:09 pm weighing 2lbs 8oz. Nichole and I automatically started crying once we seen our baby girls!

Once I got sew up I couldn't see the girls for a couple hours because I was in the recovery room being watched to make sure everything was fine. I was so anxious to get up there and see our beautiful daughters. While I was at the hospital I got to hold them one time and that was so special for me to bond with them even though it was for such a short time. Its gonna be hard to leave them. I already thought it was hard to leave them there at the hospital when I got discharged. I just want to love on them and hold them before I go back home.. they are such blessings.

Nichole and Pace are happy they are here but it still hasn't set in yet that they are parents. Not until the girls get home I think it won't set in. The girls are doing great they both have a little bit of support for breathing and have tubes going down their throats into their bellys to feed them but they haven't been feeding them yet. I think once they start the feeding the girls will start improving a lot faster and be home in no time.

I love them so much and I am glad they made it here and are doing well. A part of me is always going to feel missing while i am away from them but I know how amazing Nichole and Pace are going to take care of them. I love Nichole and Pace so much for being on this journey with me and I thank god for placing everything in its place to get to where we are today.

I now have a big loving family and its all because Araya and Chloe being here on this earth. Baby girls your so amazing and I love you both so very much.

So little time left

So I got flown to the valley because I was in preterm labor at 31 weeks. I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days and it wasn't easy staying there with the horrible food and the nurses bugging me every time the babies went of the monitor and constantly laying on my back. They also had magnesium running into my veins and that crap is NO FUN! I had to do an amniotic reduction where they stick a needle in your belly to reduce the fluid in the babys sac. I was terrified of a big needle going into my belly and scared that it might hurt the girls or might not even work.. But I have a great doctor and he did a good job and the procedure wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be. Whew.. I was glad when it was over.. I had to get that procedure done because the twins have twin to twin transfusion.. It basically means that they aren't sharing the way they should be. Baby b was giving baby a all her nutrients and fluid and I think maybe thats because baby b knows baby a has a heart problem. Well after they reduced the fluid I was no longer contracting and i closed up my cervix a little bit. So i finally got released Saturday. THANK GOD!

The doctor still doesn't want me to return home so I have been staying in the valley at Pace and Nichole's house.. and I don't mind being here and getting to know them and spending more time with them but i haven't seen my son in a week now and i feel so stressed and I don't feel complete. I miss my lil guy so much and have been having to stress about his father taking care of him and taking care of my apartment. I can't go back to work and thats very stressful thing to think about because I am the only income. Thank goodness I have Pace and Nichole they understand my situation and are willing to help me out when I get back to get back on track.. They have been completely supportive of me and have been making my life a lot easier to deal with.

So my doctor suggested that we deliver these girls in two weeks.. I will be 34 weeks. Man I can't tell you how scared I am getting and a little concerned with how hard its going to be leaving and going home without them… I haven't really wanted to think about it and I just hope i am not a complete wreck when the time comes.. I hope Nichole doesn't get annoyed with how much I will be asking about them or wanting TONS of pictures. Cause I am gonna need them to soothe my heart and to know they are okay. Which I know they will be but man i just don't know how everything will be.. I am gonna need a bottle of booze after this one to calm my nerves and my thoughts.

I know these girls are gonna have such great parents that will give them the best life they can give them. I am excited for Nichole and Pace to finally have their dream come true. Knowing how I am affecting their lives by making this decision makes it easier for me to do this. Nichole has become like my big sister that i never had and I am so excited for her to become a mommy and know the love for a child(s). She is gonna be great at it and I wouldn't want anyone else to parent these babies but them. Pace is going to become all soft being in a house full of girls! Feel sorry for that guy when menstral cycles come around lol. I am sure he doesn't mind those girls will be the apple of his eye and that warms my heart because I never had a father growing up watching over me or never had the opportunity to be a "Daddys girl" and it makes me so happy knowing that they will have a stable father who will always be there for them.

I have to think of what I want the girls to call me.. Nichole suggested "Mama Nikki" i think thats a good one.. I was more thinking of "BABY MAMA" (lmao inside joke) maybe to make it even cuter "Mama kiki" :)

Bottom line is these girls will have so many people there for them. They are going to be well taken care of and there will be no question about it. Yes I know its probably going to really hard for me to leave without all my babies and its going to get me somedays but at the end of the day I know that i made the right decision and I know Nichole and Pace are going to do a great job with them. I am honored to bestow two beautiful little blessings upon them.

Breaking Free

FINALLY!! The moment I have been waiting for!! I got a house for my son and I. Its a small 2 bed 1 bath but it will do the job. We finally have a home and I am so excited to move in and decorate for the holidays!!

I had a such a good week spending time with Nichole it was a nice break from the town I live in and from work. She had such a good turn out for her baby shower and got so many cute things for the girls. There was lots of tears, love, and happiness it was a real good time. I left the shower feeling full of life and love. I feel like I have broken free from my unhappiness and sorrow. I have moved on from my old life and I am on new journey with amazing people! My heart is filled with so much love and gratitude for every moment leading up to here. Ahh. I can breathe.. I can feel... I can be me once again and not have to worry about having another person to satisfy other than my son.

Nichole and Pace have truly helped me heal through this tough time in my life and they have given me support, love and guidance. I am so happy for them to have these little girls the baby shower was so emotional I think I seen Pace tear up a little bit. I am glad they liked my gift. It was vinyl décor that you can put on your walls and I made "Chloe" and "Araya" and I wrote a saying that said "From God's Arms, Nurtured within me, and Placed in your hearts forever" It made the whole room cry..I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction from everyone but I am glad that everyone felt the love I put into those words. What a wonderful day it was.

Nichole tried so hard not to cry but she couldn't hold back. She has such a tender loving heart she is amazing. My son and I were sad to leave. I miss them already. I really do feel like they have made me part of the family..and when the girls get here it will only be that much more like family. I hope I see them soon they have to come check out my new place.

What a great week. I hope from now on it just gets better from here :D

In time

Today was a sort of emotions for me. When i first woke up i got some not so good news about my sons dad. I only keep getting proved right that nothing will ever change he doesnt want to keep our family together because of his addictions and he told me he no longer loved me anymore. I knew this day would come and i have finally reached the end of our journey together. It saddens me because from previous conversations i thought he was really going to change. Just a couple days before today he was telling me how bad he wanted us and our family back.. I guess that was just talk. So now i need a clean break from him so i can let myself heal.. I am going to do my best to stay strong and keep thoughts of our memories out of my head. There is nothing i can do now but move on.

Shortly after i found out bad news i got some really great news. I got approved for an apartment and the move in rate is really afforable! I have been wanting a home for my son and i and its finally here! :-) right before all the holidays. I get to move in next week and i am super stoked! My son and i can finally be stable and be HOME. Ahhh i cant wait to get my stuff in there and settled. Ohhh how amazing its going to be to have places to put my things, for my son to have his own room again, to have my room again and my own space. Couldnt have come at a better time.

Then on top of that a customer of mine bought a vehicle thanks to my co worker wendi for helping me get him in there so i got a bonus and so does she!  And another customer will be coming in tomorrow i am hoping to get another sell. Oh it would be such a blessing.

I also had another apt today and everything is looking good.  I am looking at a natural delivery and delivering up where i live so thats a plus. I am so happy fot nichole to become a mommy she is going to do such an amazing job raising the girls :-) i am excited to see them grow.

I met Nicholes mother today and meeting many more of her family on sunday which is the baby shower :-) i know i probably wont be that talkitive because of all the love and emotion going on that day. Its Nicholes day and i am happy that i can be here for it. We are getting our hair done tommorrow and i am excited to spend qualitiy girl time together..

My son was such a good boy today i think he has been enjoying mommy time with me since wr hardly get to spend good time together because i work so much but mamas got to pay the bills. Aw i love him so much and i am so proud on how far i have come and i promise to make a good life for my lil man. He deserves it.

Within time everything works out for the better. You win some and you lose some. What you lose means its not meant to be and that there is something better out there waiting for you.. Just keep your faith and know good will come. My life may not be perfect but one day everything in it will be. I can feel it now.

Getting closer

I got to Nicholes and Paces house last night and Nichole and i went to the dr apt today. Baby a's heart has improved but its still not normal but its nothing to be to concerned about. She is going to need monitoring and additional medical attiention when she is born. So thats great :-)  i have another apt on friday so hopefully i will get a clear answer on where i should deliver.

Nicholes baby shower is on Sunday and i am so happy that she finally gets to throw a baby shower. Her friends and family are going to be there so i have lots of people to meet and names to remember lol i hope she gets good stuff i am thinking she will run out of room to put things lol

I am excited for her and pace to become parents. They are going to be great with the girls. I hope that their hearts will be filled with abundance after the girls are here.. I am sure they will be.

Its been nice already getting to spend this extra time getting to know them both. We all get a long pretty great.  Well its late and i feel like an old woman so i am gonna hit the hay...

Until next time

:-)

Today has been pretty decent.. I have been keeping my mind busy and focused on work. I am feeling better about myself today and I can only improve from here. My heart hurts but I got to ignore the feeling and just keep pushing this weight off of me. Its now the second day I haven't heard anything from my sons dad and I think it should be this way right now so we both can get our minds where they need to be. I don't know about him or if he will ever get his mind where it needs to be but I know I have to. I miss him like crazy and will always love him but if this is the way its suppose to be then I guess I have to deal with it and move on. I have always had to let go of things throughout my life that I wanted to keep but I guess God is telling me to let go :/

I will be okay and I will keep rising and pushing the weight off of me. I have check ups next week and I am excited I get 4 days off. Ya it will be a big cut in my paycheck but damn I think I need a break from everything for a minute to recollect myself and feel rejuvenated.  Nichole has some plans for us and the baby shower is on the 20th. I am excited for her to finally get to have a baby shower I hope she gets great stuff  :) I also get to meet her family and friends. It should be a good week next week.

I keep feeling contractions but they might just be Braxton hicks. I swear these girls are trying to give me a heart attack. Little girls even though you are taking up all the room in my belly and its very hard to do things right now... you still need to stay in there and develop a little bit more before you decide to come. And if you do come early I will only hope and pray you both will be healthy and not have to stay in the hospital long.. but I think the best option is STAY IN THERE! lol.

Well that's all for now..

hurts but can't give in.

Today i prayed for a good day and it was fine nothing major happened so thats something to be grateful for. My son was in daycare and he had such a good time i am glad he enjoyed it. I hope he gets what he needs from it like the social and physcial interaction with other kids.
I have been fighting a battle all day within myself trying to look past everything, let go, and breathe. I have to remind myself that everything will be okay and that i can do this.

Aches

Today when i woke up my feelings were telling me something was up.. Something wasnt right. It started when i finally got out of bed and got out the door on my way to take my son to his dads. I showed up and he didnt look or act the way he usually does. He had a friend there and his friend wasnt friendly towards me at all.. My sons dad wasnt being himself.

So i left mason with his dad so i could get to work and the feeling got worse..i started asking questions on what i think it might be and just get yelled at for asking.

While i am at work i notice my stress level and my stomach tightening and pain in my back so i decided to go pick up my son because i knew something wasnt right with his dad and i didnt feel comfortable
Leaving him with his dad while i went to the hospitial to get checked out to make sure i wasnt contracting.

So i pick my son up take him to the person whom i am living with and go to the er. Turns out i was having contractions and man do those ache..they gve me medcine to stop them. I was there for 5 hours and while i was there thinking got the best of me once again. I realized i was alone..

This pregnancy has been totally different than my first and thats from the very get go. The guy who got me pregnant wrote me off completely after i decided not to go through with the abortion. He was someone who i thought cared. He was someone who i thought was my friend. He was someone who i thought would stay around. Thats what i get for thinking.

My sons dad has tried to be there for me but i hurt him. I have been trying for 5 months to fix our open wounds we have sliced upon each other and today i am closing them. I can no longer hurt him or i trying to fix our relationship.. Today he wouldnt let me through his door. He wouldnt even open it to talk to me. Now i have my suspicions on why he wouldnt open it and why his friend answered his phone..my instincts tell me something isnt right.. He wanted me to leave and my sons dad would have let me in, he would have talked to me. It only makes me realize that this time the door is really shut between us..

My heart, my mind, and my body aches.. Today was the day his heart finally closed off from mine. I know my mistakes and i know i tried he might not think so. I tried to pick up the broken pieces but didnt seem to have help instead i was just making more. My heart is broken once again.

Looking at our pictures of our family and pictures of him and i when we were happy and complete is making my heart bleed of pain. I can remember how i use to feel for him and never thought we would seperate. I was so grateful and would tell him often how lucky i was to have him. Thinking of the good times is filling my heart with pain because i know ill never get those back. I cant hold back my tears any longer as they all falling from my eyes like rain tonight.

We made a family and thats something my heart has always wanted since growing up in a dysfunctinal home myself. I wanted a family for my son so bad and feel like a failure cause our family is broken.  I know this isnt going to be easy on my heart but the time has come. I wish him nothing but happiness and i hope he finds exactly what he is looking for  i wish him luck..

No i am not okay but i guess i will pretend i am.

My heart is heavy  and my mind is dense...Tonight i ache..tomorrow i wish to be numb

Ready to be settled.

Well i have been trying to decide what i am going to do.. Should i move to the city or stay in this town reminded of my past and bothered by the people who only try to break me down..

I went to the city for interviews and that was a bust.. Yeah more opportunites but more competition and no one really wants to hire a pregnant lady :-\ so i had to come back up to this small down disappointed and more stressed.

I still have my job. Thank god. And my co worker has been such a great help letting my son and i stay with her. Its not home but it will do until i find something for us. Which seems to be a challenge in itself because i cant find something in my price range with a short term lease.  I dont want a year lease because i dont want to stay up here more than i have to. I might move back to utah but i am still unsure about that.

I figure the best thing for me to do is wait till i have the girls to move that way i am not so stressed and causing them stress and that way i can lift boxes and have the energy to do it all.

I sure do miss having a place to call home its been almost 6 months being unstable and the holidays are coming and i just want to be able to go home and feel relaxed, feel whole, feel like i am home. I want to decorate. I want my son to know what home is.. I hate switching places all the time.

It would be nice if i had my family's support. I think its because i chose to do adoption and they look down on me. I dont care anymore... It just makes me feel like blood really doesnt matter because pretty much my whole life its been strangers or friends who have helped me in time of need. Family doesnt have to be blood and my life is living proof of that.

After i have these girls i think my life will change. I will be a lot wiser, stronger, and i wont put up with anyones shit. I feel once these babies are born i will also be reborn into someone new. And anyone who wants to judge me or try to break me will get a very rude awakening because i will be on the top this go around.

As for the adoptive parents i feel like they have been the parents i have been needing in this time in my life since my parents seemed to check out a long time ago. Pace and nichole (the adoptive parents) have given me guidence, emotional support, financial support, and given me strength and they always keep lifting me up when i fall. Me Giving them two beautiful little girls makes me happy. I know that they to will have such amazing people always in their lives to love and guide them through trials and error. They are gonna be amazing parents. I am glad i can give them something in return for helping me get through this stage in my life.

So for now i will stay where i am at and keep looking for something to get settled into before the holidays and keep moving forward and try to stay positive as much as i want to just run away. I will keep trying thats all i can do. 

Head Spinning

*sigh* I don't even know where to begin.

I didn't think I would be in the spot I am in today.. Trials and Tribulations over and over again. When does it end? Why does life have to be hard? I think a lot of my problems come from not having a good relationship with my parents. They both haven't really been there for me emotionally throughout my whole life and they still aren't there for me today. They don't call to see how I am doing. They don't call to see how their grandson is doing. It breaks my heart and makes me angry to know that they don't want to put in the effort still to this day. They go weeks or months without making any contact with me. It makes me wonder sometimes if I died today what would they think and how would they feel for not being the parents that they could be.

My mom has been there for me in the past when I was underage but she still wasn't there emotionally maybe physically but emotionally there was always a space. She no longer is there for me and as for my dad he comes and goes.

I understand everyone has their own life to live but I am their child.. It doesn't make sense in my head. If I had their love and support and knew I did then maybe I wouldn't always be falling off the road i am on. As my son grows and the girls grow I am going to show them that I am always there and I am going to be there when they need me. I don't understand why my parents are still so far in their own problems they can't take the time for their children. I have tried to make the effort and tried to see how they are doing but I never get it back.. I give up.


It just really sucks to think the people who brought me into this world don't care enough to make sure I am doing ok.. When I need them the most they are never there. I have tried to express to them how I feel but my words go unheard. When the people who gave me life don't seem to care it makes it extremely difficult for me to even want to be here on the planet.

Knowing that my girls will have both a mother and father who love them and will guide them and support them and keep them out of harms way makes me happy. Children are smarter when they have both mom and dad in their life helping them get through the trials and errors.

As for me I guess I will continue to do what I got to do and try to be happy once again and maybe one day the hole in my heart of my parents not being there will get patched or filled with something else... maybe it wont. Time can only tell..

I guess I made it this far without them who needs them now..